It has been an amazing week or so living at school. Everything about it is just almost perfect. I know that university life is healthy for my alters as well because they are more willing to compromise.
But there are some things that don’t feel so perfect.
The program I am in has a lot of individualized attention. Basically it feels like advisors and other people go out of their way to help me do well. And they are truly on my side and are willing to help me with anything.
I just feel that I don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And at times it feels fake- and in a way they are secretly plotting my demise. I know that this is not the case by any means- because it is just a feeling not reality. It does make it hard to listen and comprehend things that they say because my mind is dissecting ever word placement in every sentence they speak aloud.
I am making so many new friends too. And it is great and I’m so thankful but I still feel like something’s are still triggering for me. Especially when people talk about rape or molestation in a way that makes it seem funny. I know that it’s not funny and people (I) have a daily struggle to do even the simplest tasks. I am not at the point yet where I can stand up and tell people that it triggers me and to stop bringing it up.
I haven’t been able to sleep because I feel like I have constant expresso running through my veins- even though I haven’t drank any coffee. I guess that means change is occurring. Usually when I lose sleep one of my alters is on the verge of a break through or just below the surface waiting to emerge.