I think I have previously written a post about a similar topic. Well, anyway I have noticed over the years that my blog has changed a lot. I started writing two years ago after I isolated myself from the world for a few months. I was just lost and at a crossroad and somehow I stumbled upon word press and well… you can fill in the rest of the story.
But what I am attempting to say is that I censor a lot of the things that I write on my blog. However, I am at this place the street called cross road and I feel that it would be best for me to share more real and raw aspects of my past.
I need use my blog as I intended to. With that being said, I want to say thank you to all my readers who comment on my posts. I read every single comment and they help me to be the person I want to be because I know that many of you too were and are on the road called cross.
A few months ago, I released something that happened in my past. I had a very emotion filled session with my T and she cried. Ever since that moment, I have been struggling with this memory. I just kept telling my T “you weren’t supposed to stick around this long” meaning I wasn’t supposed to trust her enough to let this memory out.
As I am sitting in my room right now I am fearing the words I am about to type. I have only spoke them one time on my entire life. Right before I told my T about this all I could do was laugh because I had so much anxiety about what I am about to say. But right now I feel like I can’t type fast enough and the battery on my laptop is flashing.
It always seems to die at the most inopportune times but nonetheless this is the part where I am adding a trigger warning.
I don’t really know when this started but I always had these feelings that I was growing something in my stomach. I can remember even at the age of 7 thinking that a doll was growing inside me. The details are so fuzzy because I had just eaten. And it always seemed to get very fuzzy after I had eaten food. My eyes were in black and white- the color of the world was absent. There was a doll growing in my stomach.
to be continued…