In the past 5 years, my life has changed dramatically. In some ways my life changed for the better-, I developed a passion for school and writing and I have been able to really connect with myself and develop into the person who I am today.
Before I started this journey, I was lost as a person and I honestly had no idea why. I never realized that I had never experienced true happiness until I learned to just let life happen. I tried to anticipate every moment and plan everything in order to maintain ultimate control. I was never able to just sit and enjoy my life because I was way too busy anticipating every moment.
It has been quite a journey. Re-learning how to live life is still a challenge every day. Some days I find myself unable to be around people because it is just too painful.
I sometimes feel that I have to protect the world from myself. I wonder when the fear of my truth will subside because it is pretty lonely. I even find myself unable to share things with my therapist because hearing the words are frightening.
Self-expression is so painful and words feel like daggers in my heart. After I speak the words, I have to go home and be alone with myself, replaying the words inside my head- watching the events like a movie. I feel suck in a circle that is driven by the fear. I have experienced the freeness that truth can bring and that is what is driving me to keep staying on the path of this journey.