I wish I could say that as I child that I felt like I was “crazy”. I did not know what “crazy” was because people who are sick surrounded me. I have the same dynamic within my family that exists within many abuse survivors’ families.
The dynamic perpetuates the cycle of abuse. Within every aspect of one’s life, it is about hiding insignificant things because some think that others will catch on.
It is so difficult to live within a family like this. My best friend recently told me that she has a lot of respect for me because I am not like my family. My family is not malicious or inflicting injury upon me but they are very much stuck within the cycle.
Outside family members encounter a very different family dynamic than I experience every day. It still baffles me that individuals whom abused me during my childhood get more respect that I do. I find it rather disgusting but as my friend said, I am not like my family.
Even when therapy feels so incredibly painful, I remind myself that I am doing this because I do not want to continue the dynamic and the sick vicious cycle onto my future family. I know what healthy relationships are all about and the majority of the time- I am around healthy people.
Nevertheless, I wonder if that makes it hurt more. I recently got a traffic violation for something minor while driving someone else’s car. I was terrified that the person was going to verbally bash me because well it is just what happens in the dynamic of my unhealthy family.
However, she did not verbally bash me or tell me I was a failure. She said that it was okay because everyone makes mistakes. My feelings are so unexplainable about this situation because it showed me that yeah, I am just like every other healthy person in the world who makes mistakes and drives too fast.