I make choices every day.
I choose to be safe. I choose to not hurt my body because others hurt my body enough. For a while, I was just continuing the hurt because it was so familiar. It was a damaging comfort- and I thought I needed to feel that daily.
I had a long list of distraction techniques that I tried often to deter my unsafe needs however, these coping mechanisms never helped me. I was trying to not feel- I wanted so desperately to wake up from the nightmare that I used to call my life.
In many ways, I did experience my own personal sense of hell- even after my abuse had ended. During my early stages of treatment, it was all about sedating me. My flashbacks were out of control and I was so afraid or owning those memories as my own.
I wanted nothing more than to run away from myself. I wanted out and the world around me seemed so huge and at the same time increasingly small. I was running out of options.
So I made a choice.
I made a choice to trust myself. I had to tell myself that I was not going to die even though I felt so close to death.
I a person who needs a lot of alone time- but I am far from alone. During my “alone” time I communicate with my alters because I came to the conclusion that 90 minutes a week was not enough time to create any kind of pseudo-internal peace.
I needed to take things to a new level and I had to accept my alters as separate beings. They needed time in the 2011 world -outside of therapy. When I began to think about it my life is much more than therapy so I wanted my alters to experience that as well.
It started out small and it was chaotic at first- alters fighting for their turn to lie on our envied fuzzy carpet. Young alters began coloring (on the walls at times) and watching animal planet. While other alters, felt compelled to experience the more cultured side of the world also known as our local starbucks.
My alters got me through the rough part of my life and I thought that they should at least get to experience the good parts [no pun intended :)] of the world. So now they get to make choices.