If someone asked me 5 years ago, I never thought I would be where I am today. Even if someone asked me a year ago, I would have never expected that I would be here. I am making a lot of painful progress in therapy and I do still experience a lot of “therapy hang over days”. If you do not know what I mean it happens to me like this….I have a very productive session and afterwards I feel this feeling of freeness. It lasts for a few hours.
After those brief hours of peace end, it is just raw emotional pain. I can last for a few days and if I am at school, it seems to be harder to shake. Nothing my professors say even soaks into my brain. Sometimes I just go to class, just sit in my chair, and just dissociate the day away. My theory about this is that one of my alters is bound to be listening so it is not a complete waste of time.
I do everything to kick the “therapy hangover” but nothing seems to work. I go to sleep and I wake up and pull myself together enough to go to work. It is when I get to work that my therapy hang over seems to fade away. The children that I work with are hilarious and when they first wake up, they are extra adorable.
Between going through the spelling words and helping them finish their math homework, there is no time to dwell on a rough therapy session. Working has really helped me to keep going especially during the rough weeks.
I get to go into a house that has infinite healthy behaviors and people in it. My therapist has told me for a long time that there are reasons for everything. Sometimes I do believe that- in this instance it is very true. I do not know if they realize that I need them just as much as they need me. It is like a mini vacation to be at their house.
I cannot wait until the fall because I finally get to move out of my house hopefully for good. It is so toxic there and no matter how hard I try it still contaminates me with negativity. The place that I am moving to it beyond perfect and I get to start over and make friends that do not know my past.
I do like having friends how know my past because they can somewhat understand my pain. Nevertheless, many relationships where people knew my brief history did not work out to be positive friendships. I know that people have many different kind of friends and I want that too.