Stipulations

The past couple week have been rough. Working hard in therapy and I was at the point where I did not see a purpose anymore. I felt like it was at my breaking point and I was even considering inpatient because the emotional pain I was in began to consumed my life.

I uncovered a lot of painful memories some that I thought I would never get close to because my therapist was supposed to leave me before I got to that point. However, that was my plan, it was never hers, and now I do see that.

A lot of therapists gave up on me and it made me feel like I was a bad person. I would work with a therapist for a while and then would get on the verge of trusting them. I would trust them and then a few weeks later they would inform me that they were moving out of the country or taking a break from their practice. Once I had a therapist who did not even tell me that our work together was done. She just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.

When I think about it having a therapist it is scary. I tell them many of my deepest secrets and fears and I do trust this person with my life to an extent.

My entire life most things have been on a conditional basis. If statements seemed to pollute my world and I felt like people only loved me IF I did this or that. Nevertheless, I am learning that some people can love you unconditionally.

When those people say the sentence I love you they do not add the word IF ever because the word IF is a stipulation that they do not require.

Yesterday I went to visit the college and the place that I will be living in the fall. It was such a great experience because I get to live in a community of female only students. It is a great opportunity and I am so lucky that I was accepted in this program. When I walked in the building, I felt a positive feeling it made me realize that I can keep going with everything in my life. I wanted this and finally life is working out in my favor.

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5 thoughts on “Stipulations

  1. It is too bad that you have had negative experiences with therapists. I have felt the same way at times. And things did not improve until I decided to find someone who I could connect with. Sharing our secrets can be very scary. I guess the next step is to ask ourselves why is it scary? When you spend your life hiding things letting them see the light of day is difficult. What I try to remember is that my feelings belong to me. No one can make us feel anything, our feelings are our first way to test the waters of life. They are there to help us figure things out. When they are manipulated, we stop trusting ourselves. But wasn’t it you that got you through all those difficult times? Isn’t it you that kept you alive? Our therapists help us figure that out, but it is up to us to feel it, own it. Keep your chin up and know that you are an incredible creature who can reclaim what you thought you had forgotten. :)

  2. I have been really fortunate to have a T that I can trust and work with effectively. I often wish that everyone could have a T like that, who is willing to stick by them and help them to heal and, most importantly, build trust.

    I’m so excited for you! You’re going to have such a great experience at this new school :)

    • I have an amazing T now but I just wish I could have skipped all those unhelpful T’s. That would be great in a perfect world but the world isnt perfect at least I have an awesome T now :) I am excited for me too! Thanks tho :)

  3. Congratulations on your acceptance to the college you wanted! Is it an all girls college? Or will you just be living in an all girls area? My first college (back in 1988–yes, I’m getting “old”) used to be an all girl college. In fact, the year I went was the first year they admitted guys. There were only about 20. LOL I actually LOVED it! No worried about hoe I looked at 8 am in class. Honestly, no one cared much for those 20 guys in any romantic way. They were sort of out of luck. I am happy for you. It will be good getting out on your own. It almost always is.
    Lothlorien

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