The past couple week have been rough. Working hard in therapy and I was at the point where I did not see a purpose anymore. I felt like it was at my breaking point and I was even considering inpatient because the emotional pain I was in began to consumed my life.
I uncovered a lot of painful memories some that I thought I would never get close to because my therapist was supposed to leave me before I got to that point. However, that was my plan, it was never hers, and now I do see that.
A lot of therapists gave up on me and it made me feel like I was a bad person. I would work with a therapist for a while and then would get on the verge of trusting them. I would trust them and then a few weeks later they would inform me that they were moving out of the country or taking a break from their practice. Once I had a therapist who did not even tell me that our work together was done. She just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.
When I think about it having a therapist it is scary. I tell them many of my deepest secrets and fears and I do trust this person with my life to an extent.
My entire life most things have been on a conditional basis. If statements seemed to pollute my world and I felt like people only loved me IF I did this or that. Nevertheless, I am learning that some people can love you unconditionally.
When those people say the sentence I love you they do not add the word IF ever because the word IF is a stipulation that they do not require.
Yesterday I went to visit the college and the place that I will be living in the fall. It was such a great experience because I get to live in a community of female only students. It is a great opportunity and I am so lucky that I was accepted in this program. When I walked in the building, I felt a positive feeling it made me realize that I can keep going with everything in my life. I wanted this and finally life is working out in my favor.