Change is occurring. I am making a lot of progress therapeutically. The progress that I making is painful, every time I work on a memory there is a transitional period of feeling very helpless, hopeless and sad.
There is a sense of freeness that I felt when I let the memory out. The air it felt different and lighter. The room that I sit in every week looked different because I was finally able to be real with myself.
Inside my head, I minimized this memory and whenever I got close to it in therapy; I would just start to laugh. It was the only way that I could separate myself from it.
However, when I was able to be real with both my therapist and myself I was not able to laugh at this memory or minimize it any longer. I was not able to laugh at myself it was just an all-encompassing feeling of freeing sadness.
It was like the flood gates had finally opened. It did not feel great or even good. It felt like a release of this part of my past. I pushed against my memory for so long that the sheer act of holding it in just amplified my fear of ever letting it out.