Every day

Every day is a struggle. I communicate with alters who do not know about the 2011 world. I continually have to reinforce the same things to them. They think I am being mean and disrespectful to them but it is just the opposite. I am teaching them about how to behave in the current world.

Their world is not even close to the world that I live every day.  I heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results. Internal communication feels very much like that.

I am frustrated that I cannot be the person I want to be all the time. I want to have normalcy even fifty percent of the day. Currently it is not even close to that.

It is the constant battle of internal dialogue of -“No I am sorry you cannot come out right now unless you are going to help me with math”. I am trying not to stuff them down but I have too much of the time. Because well- I need to be present at school. It is foggy during many of my classes because they are trying so very hard to push through.

I don’t blame them. I understand that they want and need time. There never seems to be enough time for anyone.

But the alters do get time to be in the real world -with my therapist.

It has been so uncomfortable to relinquish control to them for an hour; two times a week. My therapist keeps telling me that “we” are kicking ass right now -making progress.  However, this progress does not feel awesome. Its just exhausting.

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3 thoughts on “Every day

  1. …each of us fit into the world a different way,
    the ways are limited of course as there are just not that many sub-plots or plots to a life as writers have
    found out, meaning that suffering is not unique, nor
    certainly madness, which is less so, being a stereotype
    reaction to life at the idiot level, but the idiot is an idiot because s/he doesn’t know that, or chooses
    to have that blindpost. madness is a matter of will,
    e.g., iluia(N)=concentrate/iliuiz(N)=without reflexion=
    (s)illi-uiz=silly.
    alters are others are teotl(N)=the-other=teo theo deo, deitys, whether internal or external,which give us
    the peace, harmony, circle, hoop, link to each other
    so we can share our commonality. to think we are exceptional is correct in the sense we except ourselves
    in our judgements of other people when we should accept
    ourselves and others as well.
    wordsmithing is a great help to solving the puzzle of
    ourselves. keep a diary so you know where you are, where
    you’ve been, and where you are going. remember, the brain is spoiled, lazy, avoids blame when it most deserves it. also, the more you write, the more you can see into the future by helping you plan one.

  2. I am in school as well, and trust me, I get it. And before I was in school, I was a teacher, and I really got it. I will say, though, that those parts need to have time more than just in your therapusts office. Not large amounts of time. Just small ones here and there. Of course that is easier said than done because you have to learn how to keep that delicate balance of co-presence. It helped me to get my younger parts to see we live in a different time and place by allowing them to look through my eyes (me still in executive control). I would show them my house, my family, my pets. When I was places for fun with my kids, like the zoo, I would “show” them the animals and they would see them thtough my eyes. I would pet my cat and they would see thtough my eyes and feel with my hand, the cat. It really worked. It took months to a year though. It takes time.
    Lothlorien

  3. I remember when I was doing a lot of intensive therapy with inners and it kicked my ass. I never felt awesome. But it laid the path that we now walk. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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