Every day is a struggle. I communicate with alters who do not know about the 2011 world. I continually have to reinforce the same things to them. They think I am being mean and disrespectful to them but it is just the opposite. I am teaching them about how to behave in the current world.
Their world is not even close to the world that I live every day. I heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results. Internal communication feels very much like that.
I am frustrated that I cannot be the person I want to be all the time. I want to have normalcy even fifty percent of the day. Currently it is not even close to that.
It is the constant battle of internal dialogue of -“No I am sorry you cannot come out right now unless you are going to help me with math”. I am trying not to stuff them down but I have too much of the time. Because well- I need to be present at school. It is foggy during many of my classes because they are trying so very hard to push through.
I don’t blame them. I understand that they want and need time. There never seems to be enough time for anyone.
But the alters do get time to be in the real world -with my therapist.
It has been so uncomfortable to relinquish control to them for an hour; two times a week. My therapist keeps telling me that “we” are kicking ass right now -making progress. However, this progress does not feel awesome. Its just exhausting.