Being comfortable in my skin is something I have not attained. I don’t know if I will ever get there. It’s not that I have given up- I just know my limits.
The past two years have been uncomfortable. Confronting the things that I have feared my entire life changed my perception of the world. Life is in no way fair.
I was so surprised when I realized that some peoples parents are nice to them. Not everyone constantly belittles each other on a daily basis. Some families are calm. I don’t think that the people who live in my house know this world “calm”.
Even my dog is in constant crisis mode. It could be seen as funny but it just adds to the chaos. I was so blind to the idea that my house and the people that live in it could be abusive.
I didn’t realize that chaos did not have to be an everyday thing. Families members “should” be nice to each other. I recently confronted my mom and told her that she and other family members project all their stuff in our house [on to other people]. She didn’t understand- I understand why she couldn’t comprehend it because verbal abuse is natural for her. In addition, it is her parenting style that she learned from her parents.
I just always wonder. If and when I ever have a child will I be blinded to the cycle? I see it right now but there are so many things that I may never be able to see.
Kids are totally awesome but the idea of having my own scares me. I just don’t want to break a child because I am damaged. I am always cognizant of my past when I discipline the children I nanny. But there are times that I say things and the ten year old questions it because it’s irrational idea or thought. I think the younger one can tell that I was abused.
It’s conflicting whether or not I am okay with that. I want him to see that – yes, I was abused and I turned my life around. However, I don’t want him to treat me any different. I guess I just am who I am. But I just don’t know.