Just keep swimming

I recently reconnected with someone who I met during my first inpatient stay. She is around my age and it was truly meant to be that we were at the same place at the same time. I had felt extremely alone and different because therapists and doctors defined my flashbacks are severe.

Nevertheless, as I walked into to what I thought would be the scariest place of my life I saw her. She was eager to see me because the treatment team had told her that we were around the same age.

My first day there we sat together and did art. She sensed my fear and I could sense hers but for some reason when we were together, it was not scary. We had a calming effect on each other.

She had flashbacks too similar to mine and it was truly the first time that I realized that I was not a freak. Until then everyone including doctors feared my flashbacks but when I saw her go through almost the same thing as me I saw hope.

This girl is one of the most courageous people that I know. We have not talked for about two years or so but when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, it felt like we had never lost touch.

I am at a very different place than she is right now. However, we talked about how difficult trauma can be- you have to learn how to be a person again. Confronting the past made me view every relationship and person differently. I have found trauma work to be a very lonely part of my life; even though I have a therapist that I see weekly, it is just me alone.

There are so many setbacks daily. Right now, I am at a place where I have to choose “sink or swim”. In the very early stages of being diagnosed as DID, I just had a lot of noise in my head. However, all the noise has changed into to defined voices who have needs and wants.

Today I asked my therapist if she knows what she is doing because I have no idea what to do next. I am at a place that is so uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I strive for perfection and control but if I want to move forward, I have to give up a little bit of both of those.

My therapist told me that we could be back to the place where the voices were undefined at anytime. It sounded like a pretty awesome idea until I realized that life did not work then because no one was heard. I guess life is better when we have a voice. As Dory says in finding Nemo “Just keep swimming”.

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9 thoughts on “Just keep swimming

  1. I could really relate to this thanks. I find trauma and did hard to deal with too. I think no matter how far along in your healing you are, that its hard to deal. You still feel alone and having did is hard and makes you feel like a freak a lot. I recentlycame across a lot of blogs of didders and I like that I can make friends online. That helps me. You can read my blog at
    http://hotbanana.wordpress.com

    hugs and healing,
    Carol anne

  2. Sometimes it is just that simple hon,no? Just keep treading water until that lifeline comes. And u know it will come b/c it’s u who will throw it. Because you do. Because you are tough and smart and you know that ur still around for a reason, eh? Just keep swimming.

  3. Hi,

    “I guess life is better when we have a voice.”

    Yeah a having a voice is great. For all of you. A huge leap in healing.

    “As Dory says in finding Nemo “Just keep swimming.’

    One of our all time favorite quotes.

    I’m glad that you were able to re-connect with your friend. Good and healing thoughts to you both.

    Kate

  4. Sometimes the best (and more important) thing we can say to ourselves it so “Just keep swimming”. For what it’s worth, I’m so glad you’ve decided to swim. I’m so glad you found someone you could relate to and share with. While there are so many in the blogging community that we can share with, there is something special about sitting face-to-face with someone and sharing. Good for you!

  5. Yes… just keep swimming. It’s all we can do. Push on and it does get better. I understand about having a voice, about the needs and how hard it is to identify all of the chaos inside as a part of you… or me.

  6. I’ve been repeating the “Just keep swimming” mantra to myself a lot lately. And making a list of reasons to live. Holding onto hope. Looking for the light.

    what a wonderful thing it is to reconnect with someone who can really understand. That is a precious blessing.

    Thank you for sharing this with the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse and thank you for swimming and doing the hard work to allow yourself a voice.

  7. Each of us in giving ourselves a voice also give that voice to those of us who haven’t escaped the bondage of abuse yet. The more of us who speak out the stronger we all become. I am very glad that you choose to “keep on swimming.” Sometimes when we struggle that choice has to be made daily or even hourly. Then we get passed the struggle and for awhile, you can float along on calm waters for awhile. Some days as well as swimming, I have to remind myself to just breathe.

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