I recently reconnected with someone who I met during my first inpatient stay. She is around my age and it was truly meant to be that we were at the same place at the same time. I had felt extremely alone and different because therapists and doctors defined my flashbacks are severe.
Nevertheless, as I walked into to what I thought would be the scariest place of my life I saw her. She was eager to see me because the treatment team had told her that we were around the same age.
My first day there we sat together and did art. She sensed my fear and I could sense hers but for some reason when we were together, it was not scary. We had a calming effect on each other.
She had flashbacks too similar to mine and it was truly the first time that I realized that I was not a freak. Until then everyone including doctors feared my flashbacks but when I saw her go through almost the same thing as me I saw hope.
This girl is one of the most courageous people that I know. We have not talked for about two years or so but when I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, it felt like we had never lost touch.
I am at a very different place than she is right now. However, we talked about how difficult trauma can be- you have to learn how to be a person again. Confronting the past made me view every relationship and person differently. I have found trauma work to be a very lonely part of my life; even though I have a therapist that I see weekly, it is just me alone.
There are so many setbacks daily. Right now, I am at a place where I have to choose “sink or swim”. In the very early stages of being diagnosed as DID, I just had a lot of noise in my head. However, all the noise has changed into to defined voices who have needs and wants.
Today I asked my therapist if she knows what she is doing because I have no idea what to do next. I am at a place that is so uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I strive for perfection and control but if I want to move forward, I have to give up a little bit of both of those.
My therapist told me that we could be back to the place where the voices were undefined at anytime. It sounded like a pretty awesome idea until I realized that life did not work then because no one was heard. I guess life is better when we have a voice. As Dory says in finding Nemo “Just keep swimming”.