I am not sure if there is a word that defines what I have been feeling lately. I am somewhat out of touch with reality. The convoluted superimposed life that I have still enables me to be productive somehow. I am not sure how this has been a possibility nor am I complaining.
I was suicidal this week. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt so hopeless. I contemplated inpatient but it only made the alters suicidal thoughts proliferate.
I am unsure of what reality is and I cannot seem to gauge what is realistic. Ambivalent may describe something that is going on.
My abuser is being kept alive because her children have revoked her DNR. The only way I came make sense of this, action is to separate my relationship with this abuser and just look at this person in the context of her children’s relationship. If an individual had a mom that loved them unconditionally then the individual would want to keep this loving mom alive for as long as possible.
That makes sense. Well at least that is what I keep telling myself. Other people’s relationships differ from mine. Feels like betrayal a gut wrenching betrayal.
I have an okay little life now. Everything I have and do is because of my hard work and determination. People love me unconditionally even if it is not my parents- I will take it. I am unable to let go of certain things maybe because I just need to be at the place I am currently. Honestly, I have no idea and it scares me.