Today I went to my secret spot. Well it’s really not a secret spot it’s kind of just my place that I go to reflect when I feel out of control. The warmth of the sun reflecting off the water brings me a great sense of calm.
The past few days have been pretty stressful and confusing. I have been reconnecting with some alters that I pushed down for quite some time. These alters are so real and raw- Which is the reason I pushed them down for so long. They know some very painful things about my family. It is a double edged sword as am thankful that they can help me to put pieces together the end result is far from pretty.
Each piece represents hurt and pain- the constant betrayal that we all know to well. Their lives were born from pain. They represent one of the worst times in our lives. For a long time I blamed them because it felt as though they were trying to hurt me as well as my body.
The blame was more out of an utter frustration because I was unable to pull myself together. These alter have lots to say and when they say it all at once it’s overwhelming. My life spiraled out of control last time these alter emerged.
I am trying to be respectful of their needs and give them the time they deserve. I sometimes fear that they will take control over my system and cause us to go into a state of constant crisis. I don’t ever want to go back to that life. It actually shouldn’t be called a “life” because it was the absence of having a life.