I wish there was a way that I could stop thinking. I have not been in this place in a very long time. I thought about a lot of bad stuff today because I feel so hopeless.
I went tanning today because I just needed to be somewhere warm even if it was only for 12 minutes. I just needed that break. Afterwards I did feel a little better. It gets too big sometimes and I venture into that place that feels like a space of no return.
My abuser is still living and medically I am not sure how this is possible. I think it may be this person’s last resort of torture towards us. I do not usually wish death on people but I just need her to go away. I need all the funeral services to be over and I need all the betrayal to be done and over.
I have a very paranoid alter and she will be able to let us sleep if this abuser is dead. We are all very tired and it is getting hard to think due to sleep deprivation.
I need the waiting to be over.