Uncertainty

My abuser was supposed to die weeks ago. Somehow, this person has not died yet. The days feel like years just waiting. The same feeling I used to have as a child…just waiting for someone.

I looked at this persons eyes nearly a month ago. I still saw the evilness. I saw what haunts me everyday first hand. Even though this person is nearly a vegetable, it terrified so many of us.

I remember the first time I saw the evil in those eyes. I was so confused because this person was not supposed to behave like that.

In my young mind, I told myself that is just what happens to everyone. After a while, mommy and daddy do not want you anymore. They give you away because you did too many bad things.

I am beginning to become apprehensive at the idea that people are going question my claims. I just need this person to disappear because that is all I have ever wanted.

The thing that kills me is that some of my supportive extended family members will be mourning my abusers lose for two days, while I have been mourning my abusers existence every day, all day.

I have all these plans for when it finally happens but there is still so much uncertainty.

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2 thoughts on “Uncertainty

  1. “The thing that kills me is that some of my supportive extended family members will be mourning my abusers lose for two days, while I have been mourning my abusers existence every day, all day.”

    This certainly makes it hard. I know that when my mother dies, many in our family will mourn her passing. I won’t be able to feel that, not one bit, and they won’t be able to understand my apathy.

    Sigh. Dealing with childhood issues is ongoing, and not easy. We have to learn somehow to be gentle with ourselves, even if it means taking baby steps all along the way.

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