For one of the first times in a very long time I know that I made the right decision. I opted out of going to my abusers funeral long before this person was sick. I spent weeks going through the scenarios in my head of what could/ could not happen before during and after the services.
I am aware that many of my family members feel that I am being disrespectful. However, I have concluded that their views are skewed because many of them are emotionally connected to my abuser and cannot possibly see the real.
Nevertheless, that does not bother me anymore because as I take one breath after another this week. I know what my decision is and even though I do not know exactly what I will feel, I have a “take care of me” plan.
I like to plan because it gives me a sense of control in even uncontrolled situations.
I know that a while back I wrote about forgiveness. Moreover, how I was not going to forgive people who hurt me. However, something changed the definition of forgiveness has changed for me.
Someone shared this definition with me, which they heard on Oprah, which resonated with me. She said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different”.
Therefore, I am forgiving that my past could have been any different because if it could have it would have.