This week is going to bring so many challenges.
My abuser is going to die shortly- most likely within the week. I am going to do as many things as I can to stay safe. I am already feeling betrayed by so many members of my family. I just wish I could just let them pay respect to the person who disrespected me. And not have negative feeling towards the situation.
However, it is so hard to see it. It is so hard to see that this person had a multitude of different relationships with other members of my family. At the same time, my absence at the funeral will speak volumes to so many people who do know.
It is not that I am protesting that no one should attend the funeral because it is his or her choice. Just as much as it is, mine not to attend. I need to detach my feelings for abuser from my relationship with my safe family members.
I usually want things to slow down but I desperately want things to speed up. I want whatever is going to happen to occur. Waiting is so difficult and somehow seems more painful to me. I wish I could predict my feelings but I know that right now I am unable to do that.