The “sometimes” kid

While I was growing up, I had a strong relationship with my brother and my sister. When I use the word “strong”, in that context, it means that I did not really fight with them.

I would do sporty activities with them. I do not remember really fighting with them. I guess there really was not much time because I was the “sometimes” kid. Sometimes I was here and sometimes I was there.

I was so confused about what my role was when I was staying at my parents’ house. Actually, I am still pretty confused now.

My sister and my brother grew up very different from me so there is a gap that seems to create distance. When I was at my worst times about four years ago they were kept in the dark for some time. My parents did not think that it was appropriate to tell them, which is something beyond my control.

However, my sister and brother resented me because they think I with held everything from them. So by the time they became aware of everything they were already in the mindset that I was hiding sometime from them. This was not entirely untrue because I was hiding stuff from everyone as well as myself.

Therefore, my relationship with my siblings is confusing. My brother is extremely mean to me and says things that hurt my feelings. Sometimes I can just let it go because I know that he is angry at the situation but it hurts me. I do not think he fully understands that he is creating the distance. I wish he could just see me as I am and not as I was or whom he thought, I was.

My sister is very different when it is just her and I alone. Nevertheless, when our parents are around she seems to be in this state of confusion and she is so angry. I think she still wants to be close to my parents especially my mother. However, at the same time she wants to be close to me. I want that closeness too. But it is very scary for me to have that need at the moment.

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