Exemplary

Change is an interesting concept. I desperately want it however, when I look back and realize so much has change I get an intense sense of fear.

The change that I am speaking of has not been negative things at all. Actually most if not all has been positive. This is a change all in itself.

I am at the point right now that I have developed a somewhat organized lifestyle that I am at peace with. I have a job that I love; school is going so well, therapy is difficult but I am no longer stuck. So my life is not all that chaotic.

It is not the chaos that has sparked a heightened sense of fear it is the calm. I have to attend an award ceremony this coming week because of my grades/writing etc and I am so afraid. I cringe when people tell me how smart I am and that I am brilliant.

It is so difficult to go against everything I believe about myself and what I was taught. I wish all this positive commentary could be internalized to help my other parts. Right now, today that is not the case.

I have just been trying to listen to positive feedback and say thank you because right now I am unable to  see myself as having “exemplary academic performance”.

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One thought on “Exemplary

  1. It’s so refreshing to read what you write. Embracing change is so important, and usually the things that make people anxious about don’t pan out. Like you, I believe most change is positive and enriching.

    I blog about living a more purpose-infused, meaningful and fulfilling life. I’d love your reaction to my blog and your readers may find it thought-provoking as well. You can read it at: http://findfulfillflourish.wordpress.com/

    I plan to be a frequent reader of your blog and look forward to sharing insights.

    Steve

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