Change is an interesting concept. I desperately want it however, when I look back and realize so much has change I get an intense sense of fear.
The change that I am speaking of has not been negative things at all. Actually most if not all has been positive. This is a change all in itself.
I am at the point right now that I have developed a somewhat organized lifestyle that I am at peace with. I have a job that I love; school is going so well, therapy is difficult but I am no longer stuck. So my life is not all that chaotic.
It is not the chaos that has sparked a heightened sense of fear it is the calm. I have to attend an award ceremony this coming week because of my grades/writing etc and I am so afraid. I cringe when people tell me how smart I am and that I am brilliant.
It is so difficult to go against everything I believe about myself and what I was taught. I wish all this positive commentary could be internalized to help my other parts. Right now, today that is not the case.
I have just been trying to listen to positive feedback and say thank you because right now I am unable to see myself as having “exemplary academic performance”.