I notice that a lot of my time I spend wondering and thinking. I am trying to rationalize the irrational. During a small portion of my childhood that I do remember I was always trying to figure out how to stop being bad. I desperately wanted people to love me and accept me.
I never knew why anything was how it was or what life was supposed to be like I just knew I was so bad and I was unlovable. These messages still go through my head constantly mostly because the present day is so convoluted and is sometimes superimposed by the past.
I find myself constantly having to remind myself that people do love me as me. Nevertheless, at the same time constantly still wanting love and acceptance from people who are unable to give it to me.
I am trying to detach myself from the old and start new. The new is so scary and painful that the old seems so much more appealing.
Therefore, I just take what I can from people who do give me love and acceptance. No matter how much love I do get from outside people it does not make the pain of being betrayed any less.