Wonder

I notice that a lot of my time I spend wondering and thinking. I am trying to rationalize the irrational. During a small portion of my childhood that I do remember I was always trying to figure out how to stop being bad. I desperately wanted people to love me and accept me.

I never knew why anything was how it was or what life was supposed to be like I just knew I was so bad and I was unlovable. These messages still go through my head constantly mostly because the present day is so convoluted and is sometimes superimposed by the past.

I find myself constantly having to remind myself that people do love me as me. Nevertheless, at the same time constantly still wanting love and acceptance from people who are unable to give it to me.

I am trying to detach myself from the old and start new. The new is so scary and painful that the old seems so much more appealing.

Therefore, I just take what I can from people who do give me love and acceptance. No matter how much love I do get from outside people it does not make the pain of being betrayed any less.

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2 thoughts on “Wonder

  1. Hello ,
    I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through!
    I don’t know if it will help at all, but I also grew up not understanding what was going on and feeling like there was something wrong with me, and that was why I was not loved.
    I still feel like I am bad and unlovable, no matter how many nice things people say to me . If a guy hits on me, I get very nervous because I wonder what he is up to- surely he couldn’t actually find me attractive!
    I also have had a pattern of trying to get people to love me who were just incapable of love. At least I gave up on my parents, which has been an incredible relief. I never see them or interact with them anymore.
    I also now realize why life was so confusing to me as a child- because I was being manipulated and lied to! I was being told that everything I did and thought was wrong, and that what my parents were doing to me was okay.
    I think that since we both seem to have had similar reactions to our abuse, probably our reaction is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances.
    So hey, we’re normal, not bad! Maybe even better than normal, seeing as we both came through severe abuse, yet we seem to be pretty functional!

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