I get scared when people fight. I can always get these flashes of pictures in my head of people getting beat. Many weird things like that come into my head these days. And frankly it makes me wonder.
I do not even really know what my past is. I have no memory of my home life. I also do not realize that certain things are not typical of families even still.
I do still live in a verbally abusive household. It keeps me stuck. My parts stay stuck and paranoid.
One of my parts is extremely paranoid of spies. This part covers all of the openings in my room and on my computer. This part asked my brother what his spy name was and he made up a fake yet real-life spy name. This only creates an increased sense of paranoia.
It just makes me angry because my brother thinks that my abuse is a joke. Moreover, it is not. It is very real and terrifying.
I write all these posts about finding my strength and hope. However, today I write about none of those things. Some days it just sucks and that is it. There is no hope or courage it is just a gaping hole.
These are the days that I wish I could hug someone. So, I could connect with another human being who feels hurt or pain or heartbreak.
I do not like the fact that my family has just seemed to move on after learning who my abusers were. If my child were ever abused by an adult, I would excommunicate that person and be on my child’s side. That is not how it is for so many others and myself.
I just wish that the world did not have to suck so much and people did not have to have shitty childhoods. It is a crime what happens to so many children but somehow society excuses it.
It is just so sick and twisted.