I have not posted anything in quite a while due to my chaotic work/life schedule. So, I apologize to my blogging/twitter buds for my brief absents. I have so many things that I want to write about and explore during the summer on my blog.
The past few weeks I have been taking risks, living outside my comfort zones and it has been awesome and refreshing. However, I realized something I have many fears. These “fears” do not belong to me, they belong to my family i.e. my parents.
I work with a family and I am begging to notice things. Mostly bad things, that existed and still exists during my childhood and now adulthood. I never realized that my parents never asked me “how my day was?” until about two weeks ago. Alternatively, what is actually going on in my life?
I am not sure if it is a big deal to me. Nevertheless, I just wonder what it would be like if they cared then and now.
I feel that there is a large disconnection from my life with my family. Even now, there is never any talk of how I am doing or what are the good things happening in my life. It is like I go to therapy and everything stays there. Which is okay but I just wish that they even tried to understand how hard school and life can be at times. I just want some recognition.
I made the dean’s list and got a psychology scholarship from my college recently and there was no bragging to my family members or anything like that.
It just makes me angry because I want people to realize that I am smart and I will not let my abuse take over my life again. I lost lots of time and that is something I am done giving up.
When I am around some people in my family, there is this extreme feeling of guilt that I experience. Mostly because of my parts suicide attempts and other things but I am just so tired of feeling that. Because it is not helpful to me.
I am barely home these days because of this. I do have people who love me and want to know how my day is. I am not who I used to be, I am just me.
Living life like I was supposed to.