I have been beyond busy lately, which is a good thing because my therapist was on vacation for three weeks. I tried to not think as much as possible because there is too much to think about. Therefore, I pretended that I was on vacation just like my therapist. I tried to do really cool stuff and went to the beach a lot. In addition, I even went away for the weekend with the family I work for. I did so many cool things. However, my most favorite thing was swimming in a waterfall and I jumped off these big rocks into the water (which tasted like Poland Spring water!)

Then I came home, which then created trouble in pseudo paradise. One perpetrator that I know of is still alive, and I have basically excommunicated this person from my life. However, somehow still ends up dictating my life.

My family and I made plans to go on the boat with my “little monsters” (and family) as well as my sister and others. 2 hours before we were supposed to leave I get a text from my mother saying that there is a change of plans and we would not be going because one of my perpetrators was in the hospital and she needed to go there.

My father cannot seem to function without my mother for some reason. (I think the leash is too short) However, he also needed to go to the hospital with my mother to be with one of my perpetrators.

I just do not get this. Even after I excommunicated this perpetrator from my life, they still take time away from me. It is just so frustrating. I seem as if I am trapped in a circle that is unbreakable. I just trying to live my life and have fun but somehow my perpetrators prevail.

I thought about going to see this perpetrator. For one reason only- so I could look into this persons eyes and put a face to evil. So then, maybe I could stop blaming myself.


2 thoughts on “Time

  1. You aren’t to blame, but as many times as someone else says it, especially another survivor, you won’t understand it. I bet you even say it to other people. So my question to you is, “If you read your post and could talk to the person who wrote it, what would you tell her?” If it were me, what would you tell me? Would you tell me it was my fault I was abused and that somehow, I am responsible for my parent’s thotless actions? I don’t think so. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Your parents have a flaw, a great flaw of not knowing how to be loyal and strong for you. Hang in there.

  2. O my god hon that is such a stressful thing. Be very careful hon to not pit yourself into a triggering situation. Seeing him weak frail scared in hospital may be good for revenge parts but so bad for ur stability later. Please make a plan for later if you opt to go. Thinking of you dear one.

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