As I sit here on the beach and just look towards the never-ending ocean, I realize that I may have changed.
There was a period of years when I was in constant crisis. The crisis was somewhat unconscious because I was just fighting against everything and everyone.
However, equally my family tends to live in constant crisis mode. Ever since the house fire, no one in my family knows how to chill out.
It is very different to not be in crisis mode it almost feels boring. Within the context of the sentence, I am referring to boring as “non-crazy and uneventful”. In no way is my life boring.
At times, I find multiplicity interesting, very silly and liberating. My parts sometimes say funny stuff and I laugh aloud. People look at me wired sometimes but I do not really care. I once had an abreaction flashback in Wal-Mart so laughing aloud at nothing is no big deal.
The real weirdo’s are those people who wear those Bluetooth earpieces in stores. They walk around talking to themselves. I thought about conducting an experiment and talking to my parts aloud in stores and pretending I was on my Bluetooth. However, this experiment is still in the research phase.
Nevertheless, I do not really understand people sometimes. Let alone my family. Crisis mode is not fun or productive. It gets to tiring after a while.
I knew I was out of crisis mode when I isolated myself for 4 months. After a while people just get tired of the bullshit. I pushed away and pushed away for so long that finally people left. That is when I truly discovered that I do choose life.
I already survived all the bad stuff. Moreover, I had some shitty stuff happen afterwards so I guess it cannot go anywhere but up.
I am so scared of going backwards. I am nervous of doing what I want and at times, I feel guilty that I did stay alive. Because I saw so, many people die. I cannot seem to stop thinking about them, and sometimes I wish I were they. I get so angry that I have to live in chaos internally. I do contribute to the chaos because I deny everything and my parts. I do feel bad about doing that however, I saw what happens when you let the past become the present.
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I lost two years because I was not ready to accept my past. In addition, I am still not ready. I wonder what the hell reality is most of the time. I am just not sure what is next nor do I want to know. All I know is that the waves are crashing and making the littles happy and calm.