The past few months have been different for me. I have this calmness about everything that I do. It is just so serene and peaceful.
However, at first I thought this calmness was “the calm before the storm” type of thing. I am noticing that it may not be that, it could possibly be that I am beginning to by okay with myself.
I recently found a new job as a nanny for two boys and it is just such a break from everything. I sometimes feel like I am just part of their family. We talk about funny stuff, make cool projects, and sometimes just do nothing. Their mother thinks that I have a calming effect on her kids. This is different from what I perceived.
I recently received a psychology scholarship, which two of my teachers nominated me for. At first, I did not want it because it goes against the norms of my family. Nevertheless, I choose to take it because it is concrete evidence of my hard work.
I hung out with my two younger little monsters and I realized something. I have found some kind of happiness. I mean it may not be the ideal picture of happiness but it works for me.
I take everything as it comes, one thing at a time. I do (non-religious) meditation 3 times a day, which has given me such an awareness of my body. I listen to what my body tells me and sometimes my alters.
This in no way has been an easy process. Nor is this journey over, my insider still hurt and I still want acceptance from my family but I have found a sense of peace. I wish I could somehow bottle this peacefulness and give it to everyone as well as save some for later :)