I self sabotage many things in my life these days. I feel as though I am not worthy of certain aspects of my life. Sometimes it is such an automatic thing that I do not realize what I am actually denying.
My life is still full of secrets however, my secrets are ones that I choose to keep from the world. I do this because of two words in the dictionary. Those two words make me nuts. I always write these words in quotation because they have a certain level of stigma.
“Normal” and “Crazy” those two words continue to plague my life with their existence. I am never being enough of either of them.
Within my family structure, I am seen as the “crazy” one. This is something I try to use to my advantage the majority of the time. Other times I am being “normal” but it is not seem as “normal” because of my previous level of insanity. I use the word insanity not in a derogatory manner but in a manner of saying that I was sick.
I was broken to what I thought was beyond repair. Nevertheless, I have started putting my puzzle together and it is turning out to be something magnificent.
People actually care about what I have to say which is so refreshing.
I wish I could just let myself internalize all the positive feedback I get daily. I wish my home life were like school. I wish they would realize how intelligent I could be sometimes.
Instead, they stay stuck in their patterns. Again, those are my families’ patterns and not mine. I still resort back to the past and do not let myself accept praise.
I have worked extremely hard to where I am at right now. Two years ago, I was faced with the decision about long-term state hospitalization and now I am trying to decide which college I want to transfer to.
A lot has changed, not so much within my family structure but within me. Gandhi said it so eloquently “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”