Be The Change…

I self sabotage many things in my life these days. I feel as though I am not worthy of certain aspects of my life. Sometimes it is such an automatic thing that I do not realize what I am actually denying.

My life is still full of secrets however, my secrets are ones that I choose to keep from the world. I do this because of two words in the dictionary. Those two words make me nuts. I always write these words in quotation because they have a certain level of stigma.

“Normal” and “Crazy” those two words continue to plague my life with their existence. I am never being enough of either of them.

Within my family structure, I am seen as the “crazy” one. This is something I try to use to my advantage the majority of the time. Other times I am being “normal” but it is not seem as “normal” because of my previous level of insanity. I use the word insanity not in a derogatory manner but in a manner of saying that I was sick.

I was broken to what I thought was beyond repair. Nevertheless, I have started putting my puzzle together and it is turning out to be something magnificent.

People actually care about what I have to say which is so refreshing.

I wish I could just let myself internalize all the positive feedback I get daily. I wish my home life were like school. I wish they would realize how intelligent I could be sometimes.

Instead, they stay stuck in their patterns. Again, those are my families’ patterns and not mine. I still resort back to the past and do not let myself accept praise.

I have worked extremely hard to where I am at right now. Two years ago, I was faced with the decision about long-term state hospitalization and now I am trying to decide which college I want to transfer to.

A lot has changed, not so much within my family structure but within me. Gandhi said it so eloquently “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

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3 thoughts on “Be The Change…

  1. Those two words also plague my life. No matter where I go, I seem to be faced with one of them – almost always in a negative way. I am so proud of you for working so hard to get to where you are now. It is not an easy journey but I think it is so worth it.

    -Bee

  2. I agree about being the change I wish to see!

    I also don’t see you as crazy. How I am, is normal for me, not crazy just because it’s not normal for someone else. People thinking difference in someone is “crazy” is group think and very unfair and dangerous. Maybe we can say we are normal in a different way.

    You are very insightful, thanks for sharing this.

  3. Bee- Somedays I do believe that the journey is worth it but other days not so much. But I guess thats okay for right now. Take Care.

    Ivory- Thanks for the kind words. And I think you are so right about “normal” being different for everyone. I think it makes the journey your own. Take Care

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