Not Ready

I did not ask to be born. I actually was not supposed to be a girl. The doctors told my parents I was a boy.

I always wished I were a boy.

I know that boys are abused too. However, in my situation I could have stayed with my parents longer if I was a boy.

I have boy alters. Which is cool I guess?

I was not even ready to be born. I was not even supposed to come out for two more months.

Sometimes I think that my mother did not want me. I was not what they thought I was. I was not the right gender, size or anything.

I think that may have been the reason they left me. One of my alters still remembers when they left me there. They did not even look back.

I always wanted them to want me. Nevertheless, I know they never will.

Sometimes I am not even sure my therapist wants me. I pretend that I do not like people much of the time because then when they leave it is easier and almost expected.

I do that with my friends because I do not want to love people. I do not want to attach feelings to anything because then it hurts more.

I am not ready.