Waiting and Wishing..

I do not dream.

I used to have nightmares everyday but recently I do not have any. This is something I am NOT complaining about. Nevertheless, I do not have dreams.

I used to have these peculiar dreams during childhood, which I understand now.

I wish I did dream so I knew I was actually sleeping. Not having dreams is something I did not think of until the other day.

My psych professor always tells the class about his dreams and of course, he analyses them.  I am frustrated because I want to analyze my dreams.

I wonder if not dreaming is a sign that my life is hopeless. A sign that everyone has given up.

I wish I knew the answers or even the questions to ask…but I do not. Instead, I stay in stuck in this dreamless unpromising existence.

My internal system works against me and tries to sabotage anything and everything I have worked so hard to achieve. I do not get this. What is the point of doing that? I think that is a rhetorical question.

I wish I did not need things. I never call my therapist when I need her even though she tells me I can. I wish I did not need to touch anyone, I wish I did not need love.

I wish I were not human. I wish I could just live the life that I should be living. I wish I could be an adult in their 20s going out with friends and being social as I am supposed to be.

I wish I could appreciate what I have because many people in the world have it worse than me.


5 thoughts on “Waiting and Wishing..

  1. hope, you say so much that i relate to. a very powerful post. i can see—feel—the relief to be found in not being human, suffering the losses of those pieces of you that would help you feel whole. myself? i cannot cry. i don’t cry. hardly. which is frustrating because it does make me feel i walk the earth as partly inhuman, or completely unreal. it’s definitely difficult to need. particularly people. even more so, when i even have a hard time meeting (seemingly basic) self care needs, like eating! i’m sorry you are having a hard time now. i just want to send a nurturing voice to those hurting parts that need to scream, “oooouuuucchh!” because they do deserve to be heard, and told, “i know. it does hurt, and i deeply hope for you to feel better.” your therapist has given you explicit permission to need her; maybe one of these times, it’ll be a little less difficult to call—which becomes serious motivation for seizing the opportunity! your hopes and dreams do ring through your wishes above. take good care.

  2. Just for a point of reference for you: I have gone through huge stretches where I don’t dream. Sometimes years. For me, dreams are hugely cycical. If you are really interested in having dreams you can analyze, take a lunesta or ambien. Many find that’s what they do.

  3. Maybe the lack of dreams that you can remember is a respite after all of that time of night terrors? I have dreams that I can remember now, and most of them are night terrors. I’d be glad not to remember my dreams until later on in my recovery bc I feel like I have to analyze them and I don’t have the time or resources to do so. Back to what I said before, after all the kinds of bad dreams you had (to be putting that mildly)… maybe this is a time of solace that your brain is giving you a lil break in that aspect?

    Your life is definitely not hopeless. You may feel hopeless at times, things may seem hopeless, among many other feelings– but you are incredible. And most certainly not hopeless. You are intelligent, spirited, sweet, motivated, a crapload of fun & very often making me smile and giggle when I’m so stuck in my own gross place… you are incredible. And even if you may feel like not being human would be easier (I completely agree btw)… you are a phenomenal human being; for whom I am sooo grateful for.

    And your T (most likely) has pretty damned good boundaries after all this time of being in her profession. So, she gave you her number with the intention that should you stop being so darned stubborn, you’d use it when you need to. ;)

    Thanks for the swift kicks in the butt and excellent tx suggestions this week. It’s been a tough one. And as you know, I hope (no pun intended), I treasure our friendship. I will be returning your outfit later this afternoon. Ty for lending me your straightjacket to make it through Wed. & today.

    Joy (and some other peeps)

  4. Raedelsol – Yeah, tears are difficult for me too. Actually any other form of self expression other than writing or art is difficult. Thanks for your kind words at my time of need. Take Care.

    Bee- I am bad at verbalizing. Sometimes when I talk to people it sounds disorganized must like my internal system :)

    Paul- Good Tip! Thanks :) But, meds don’t work well for me or my parts so we stay away.

    Joy- I just want to dream. And yes, I am stubborn and proud of it ;)

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