The Difference…

There are “bad” days and then there are “BAD” days. Ok, so a lower case bad day is when I just feel whatever for just that day and then I go to sleep and then I feel better.

Uppercase BAD days are those days that linger onto other days. It is like a fog or a heavy dark cloud that lays over the horizon. Uppercase BAD days are when I really want to throw in the towel, quit therapy and build a tree house to live in forever.

I had one of those recently.

The dissociation is so thick, I felt dizzy, and like I am going to vomit for days. I get that feeling when I am in between switches.

Usually I can just suck it up, go to school, and pretend I am one of those intellectuals. This time I could not, people in my class actually asked me if I was okay.

I really wanted to say no, “there’s too many parts talking at once right now, and no one is listening to me”.  Nevertheless, I did not.

Sometimes I want people to know because I want them to understand my (our) thought process (es). I want people to know that I have a whole world inside my head. Instead, they probably think I say childish things and that I have delusions of grandeur.

One of my parts is convinced that external people can hear our internal chatter. It does not sound like such a bad idea I think maybe people would be able to understand better…

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5 thoughts on “The Difference…

  1. I can totally relate to this post. I have been in this fog for months now and I hate it.
    Wouldn’t it be nice if people could hear the internal voices? It might freak ’em out a bit but at least they would know we weren’t making it up!

    -bee

    • Ack hate those time periods hon. I’m sorry you have to deal with it too. I still assume we’re leaking out all over the place even though I know that’s ridiculous. Functioning is just so hard sometimes, I know. Suppose all I can say is that I know, I’m here and I’ listening.

  2. Bee- I think it may bridge the gap as well as totally freak people out. I thought about making a video about what my internal chatter sounds like but I feel like it would trigger me and others. maybe someday tho.

    Splint- Thanks for your supportive words on the blog as well as twitter. Functioning is a hard job all the time but I am glad your here and listening. Take Care

  3. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about when you distinguish between bad and BAD days. I make that exact same distinction. For the uppercase BAD days, I used to (longish time ago) overly medicate. This was not a good solution. Now for the lowercase bad days I don’t medicate. But try my new “skills”. When that doesn’t work and it goes to UPPERCASE, then I do have a special pill case that I take that is not over medicating. but it generally quiets things down. I do that because in BAD days, I can be switching so much and in a young part who doesn’t know what to take or even think to take anything. So, it’s a system approach that we do a specific thing when we are in a specific space. It tends to work.

    • I know what you mean. Its kind of like a trial and error kind of process. Sometimes things just don’t work but sometimes they do. Coping skills are becoming a sort of personality style for me right now, whether I like it or not.

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