Oceanic

Sometimes when I am trying to explain something I cannot find words. Let alone the right words. However, I can write and somehow most always find the words that fit.

I have a hard time verbally speaking anything, even if it has nothing to do with trauma. It is so frustrating it is as if I know what the right words are but when I say them aloud, they sound very wrong.

I think this is one of my biggest barriers in therapy because I have never been able to express and verbalize. I think this goes back to my childhood.

At times, my mind goes so fast that there is no time for verbal expression. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. And I have alters who are non-verbal, which makes therapy interesting.

I let them draw or whatever but I just wish they could have a voice. I think that it keeps them so separated from all the others. Right now most of my alters are fighting against each other nevertheless fighting for the same thing.

I just wish they would realize that if they worked together they might get closer to whatever they want faster. As I read that last sentence, it sounds so polly-anna and simple. If it were that effortless, I doubt they would still be fighting.

These days therapy is so long and I just watch the clock wishing and hoping 45 minutes will go faster.  It never does. It just feels so confining and heavy and I just want to go outside and climb a tree.

In school the past few weeks, I have not really been paying attention because many of my professors tell me what I should think and everything is so textbook. Textbooks are just so predictable and bias. I do not ever read then because I do not want someone to tell me what I already know. I want to be inspired by the reading.

I recently studied about Freud’s theories and he said that individuals either live life in a political economy or a libidinal economy.  Political economists may be individuals who take pleasure from material objects and resources. While one, who is a libidinal economist may possess a certain level of erotic energy that pushes individuals towards their “life energy”, a life energy that may or may not be of sexual nature.

Therefore, I am searching for my “life energy” (not in a sexual way) and I am trying to find things that motivate me to get that oceanic feeling.

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6 thoughts on “Oceanic

  1. On my journal collage, it says, “Work with it, not against it” among many other things that are now (a year and a half later) SO poignant regarding where I’m at in this little journey. If it were that simple, I imagine you and/or I would have harnessed the ability to do that and have done it already.

    Therapy is a four-letter, expletive word to me now that I have an actual trauma therapist and um, apparently have to sort through … the crap. I’d rather run away and/or think of any excuse than go… and it’s just the beginning for me. Climbing a tree sounds great in lieu of going. For me, I think it’s my fear that becomes all consuming on tx day and I can barely focus on anything I planned on or was “supposed” to do.

    I want to find my “life energy” and have no idea where it is hiding. If you find yours, if you could make a detailed transcript of how this is to be done, I’d much appreciate it. ;) ::coughs:: I’m only partially kidding.

    The semester is almost over, Hope! I am so proud of you… and I have no idea how you do it. I don’t need to know. All I need to do is witness it, and I get bursts of motivation just from hearing, seeing, watching you in action!

    Ready, set, go!
    Love,
    Joy

  2. I once left a therapist office and when on the swing outside his house. Actually it was not a therapist it was a DR from Yale who does not believe in anything some one else did not tell him to be true.

    So much about this is creativity.

  3. Joy- “Work with it, not against it”..powerful words. And your right if it was that simple we or someone would have figured it out already. I was going to post my list of excuses not to go to tx but I thought it wouldnt be too positive. But I may still post it anywhat. 14 days till summer. These days go so painstakingly slow. But thanks.

    JBR- It’s good to hear from you thanks for commenting. Being transparent is something I havent thought about but thats what this is. Take Care.

    Mff- Creativity, yes most definitely what the journey can be about. I wish I could go swing after therapy that would be cool. But that DR from Yale does not sound like a therapist at all. Take Care.

  4. Have you drawn in therapy? I find that doing those kinds of activities for younger parts, helps enormously. It’s not helpful when you go hour after hour in therapy not being able to express yourself.

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