Sometimes when I am trying to explain something I cannot find words. Let alone the right words. However, I can write and somehow most always find the words that fit.
I have a hard time verbally speaking anything, even if it has nothing to do with trauma. It is so frustrating it is as if I know what the right words are but when I say them aloud, they sound very wrong.
I think this is one of my biggest barriers in therapy because I have never been able to express and verbalize. I think this goes back to my childhood.
At times, my mind goes so fast that there is no time for verbal expression. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. And I have alters who are non-verbal, which makes therapy interesting.
I let them draw or whatever but I just wish they could have a voice. I think that it keeps them so separated from all the others. Right now most of my alters are fighting against each other nevertheless fighting for the same thing.
I just wish they would realize that if they worked together they might get closer to whatever they want faster. As I read that last sentence, it sounds so polly-anna and simple. If it were that effortless, I doubt they would still be fighting.
These days therapy is so long and I just watch the clock wishing and hoping 45 minutes will go faster. It never does. It just feels so confining and heavy and I just want to go outside and climb a tree.
In school the past few weeks, I have not really been paying attention because many of my professors tell me what I should think and everything is so textbook. Textbooks are just so predictable and bias. I do not ever read then because I do not want someone to tell me what I already know. I want to be inspired by the reading.
I recently studied about Freud’s theories and he said that individuals either live life in a political economy or a libidinal economy. Political economists may be individuals who take pleasure from material objects and resources. While one, who is a libidinal economist may possess a certain level of erotic energy that pushes individuals towards their “life energy”, a life energy that may or may not be of sexual nature.
Therefore, I am searching for my “life energy” (not in a sexual way) and I am trying to find things that motivate me to get that oceanic feeling.