There’s No Fun in Dysfunction

So I haven’t blogged about anything for a week now.

It is not that I (we) have nothing to say. I am just burned out. I recently realized that I have been losing time. I thought I was sleeping but it is not the case. I guess I do things at night.

It is not that I am tired because I am over this sleep thing. I do not really know what being rested is because for the past 4 years it has been non-existent. I tried the meds, sound machines etc but nothing has helped.

I guess I sleep with my eyes open. When its morning I watch the sun come up and its one of the only times that everything in my house in calm. However, it is not calm inside my head.

I think the more I work with my parts the more the chatter increases. It is not that I cannot handle chatter because it does not really bother me.

Its just that I only really communicate with my parts when they interrupt my schoolwork or whatever. I guess I do the bare minimum internal communication to be functional. But even the bare minimum feels like a lot.

I recently was talking with a few DID survivors in my community and I said, “All I want is to get A’s to stay functional and to have good internal communication”

Everyone in the room laughed because it did sound unrealistic as I said it aloud. I find it hard to gauge when I think unrealistically. Maybe I do think unrealistic thoughts and put a lot of pressure on myself that might be unrealistic.

The problem is or was that I was so dysfunctional and I wasted so much time just being stuck. I can’t and won’t let that happen again. I had no sense of self. I still do not have a clear memory of those two years. A part of me wants to know everything that happened during those two years but I guess a part of me is scared of knowing. I am embarrassed of things I said and did.

My siblings were terrified of me. I guess that may be because I was not scared of death. I know that my sister still have a fear of me because she did see me at some bad times. I think it is not so much of fear it is more of concern. Sometimes I do want to tell her how sorry I am. Because I never meant to hurt her with our unregard for life.

Today I hung out with my friend and we walked on the beach and played on a playground, jumped off rocks and just savored the moment. It really means a lot to me that she does not ever judge me or anything. Especially after my hibernation last year, she never once made me feel guilty for it. Granted she was somewhat concerned because I went MIA but she never projected her feeling onto me.

I guess after the anger wore off she realized that I would not do that unless I truly needed space away from everything. I shared some of my poems with her today and she shared some that she wrote about me. It was truly amazing to hear how much love and empathy she has towards us.

It is that kind of stuff that makes me realize how precious life is.

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5 thoughts on “There’s No Fun in Dysfunction

  1. Oh boy… sleep, not to mention other dysfunctions, is such a hot topic in our household. My wife is plain sick and tired of it. I want to say things like “Don’t you think I am too?” But, honestly, I am so used to it and I know how bad things were before, that life now is not really that bad. But she cannot understand that because she met me after my really bad years when I had a period of wellness.

  2. I am not a DID patient but PTSD. All I can share from my experience that I had no memory of roughly 5 years of my life. I worked through 3 yet 2 years are still missing and knwoign that during this time I had managed to stop the abuse and was at a boarding school, I finally accepted, that this the way.
    Sleep was a hot topic for far to many years. Or rather the lack of sleep. This brooding during night made me mad and I left bed seldom or exhausted to the bone only. My sleep has improved and I still think and brood during nights, yet brooding has become a sort of positive aspect too. Yepp, once again it dependent on my approach. Now I get most things worked out during night and slepp soundly afterwards. Sometimes simply telling myself it is ok as it is. IT IS OK. Funnny it works more and more often!
    What has helped me along too was progressive muscle relaxation Jacobson. This constant change between tightening a muscle group and letting go again has slowed my chattering chain of thoughts as well as leading to some small gaps between the thoughts – sorry cant better explain. However if u wanna try you can find it at you tube too. However till I figured it worked took 6 months work.
    Still I can share only as I am PTSD.

  3. Paul- I find that difficult too. Its not just people whom I didnt know before its also the ones I knew before too. They can sometimes have an memory of what I used to be like and constantly compare back to that. Talk about living in the past! But yes sleep is a very big topic for me too. I tend to forget about it @ times bc its just my normal right now.

    Paula- Thanks for the tip. I am willing to try anything as I have nothing to lose. I think that people w/ Ptsd have many overlapping sleep issues as in DID. These days I think when I do sleep I am more tired than when I stay awake. Thanks for commenting good to hear from you.

  4. Hope,
    I’m sorry you’ve had so much distracting and disruptive chatter recently. I know my experience with chatter is very different from yours, and I have no idea how to handle mine, nevermind some intimation of a way to help with yours. I know it’s not my fault, but I want you to know I empathize with you. You are so driven and so incredible, and I’m proud that you want to get straight A’s, be functional, and have good internal communication. I think the way you said it (in real life) was comedic… but I want you to know that I feel the same way. All I want is for some semblance of normalcy, to be well enough to get through the day, not have my symptoms follow me incessantly, and to return to and do well in school. I worked so hard with the facade going on for decades and now I feel very stuck. It’s like I made it out, but I want to be more than what I made it out from. I want to live the life I crafted for myself, the one I have the intellect and many other qualities for and yet it seems so evasive. And to be quite honest, it pisses me the hell off. That’s it! It makes me very angry. I feel a lot of other things, but the root is anger. Especially today I just wanna be like, screw you (past, symptoms, old patterns of behavior, I could go all day), I want to LIVE my life!

    I hope today is better for you than yesterday. I completely agree with your statement, there’s no fun in dysfunction. At least I haven’t found it yet.

    Love,
    Joy

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