So I haven’t blogged about anything for a week now.
It is not that I (we) have nothing to say. I am just burned out. I recently realized that I have been losing time. I thought I was sleeping but it is not the case. I guess I do things at night.
It is not that I am tired because I am over this sleep thing. I do not really know what being rested is because for the past 4 years it has been non-existent. I tried the meds, sound machines etc but nothing has helped.
I guess I sleep with my eyes open. When its morning I watch the sun come up and its one of the only times that everything in my house in calm. However, it is not calm inside my head.
I think the more I work with my parts the more the chatter increases. It is not that I cannot handle chatter because it does not really bother me.
Its just that I only really communicate with my parts when they interrupt my schoolwork or whatever. I guess I do the bare minimum internal communication to be functional. But even the bare minimum feels like a lot.
I recently was talking with a few DID survivors in my community and I said, “All I want is to get A’s to stay functional and to have good internal communication”
Everyone in the room laughed because it did sound unrealistic as I said it aloud. I find it hard to gauge when I think unrealistically. Maybe I do think unrealistic thoughts and put a lot of pressure on myself that might be unrealistic.
The problem is or was that I was so dysfunctional and I wasted so much time just being stuck. I can’t and won’t let that happen again. I had no sense of self. I still do not have a clear memory of those two years. A part of me wants to know everything that happened during those two years but I guess a part of me is scared of knowing. I am embarrassed of things I said and did.
My siblings were terrified of me. I guess that may be because I was not scared of death. I know that my sister still have a fear of me because she did see me at some bad times. I think it is not so much of fear it is more of concern. Sometimes I do want to tell her how sorry I am. Because I never meant to hurt her with our unregard for life.
Today I hung out with my friend and we walked on the beach and played on a playground, jumped off rocks and just savored the moment. It really means a lot to me that she does not ever judge me or anything. Especially after my hibernation last year, she never once made me feel guilty for it. Granted she was somewhat concerned because I went MIA but she never projected her feeling onto me.
I guess after the anger wore off she realized that I would not do that unless I truly needed space away from everything. I shared some of my poems with her today and she shared some that she wrote about me. It was truly amazing to hear how much love and empathy she has towards us.
It is that kind of stuff that makes me realize how precious life is.