Still

The little things seem to matter right now; the feeling of my shaggy carpet, the softness of my therapists’ skin. The sun beaming through the trees, the smell of the grass and the soft music playing.

However, the little things are also my biggest obstacles right now. The small insignificant things are making sense. A sense that I wish was not present.

I am torn because a part of me wants to continue to do “the work” and another wants to run and hibernate away from the world.

Hibernation is the safe comfortable thing for me to do, however it may not be the most beneficial thing for me to do.

This decision is one that will not be made over night, it is a very well thought out endeavor. The dichotomy is one that I seem to face every spring.

I am scared of progress. Progress means that I will have to move farther out of my comfort zone.

Nevertheless, becoming more comfortable internally at the same time something I am scared of for various reasons.

I have been compiling a list of reasons to not continue communication internally. But the reasons to continue always seem to outweigh it.

So I am here.

Just standing still.

Trying to decide on something that feeling un- decidable.

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5 thoughts on “Still

  1. Wow this is so powerful in so many ways hon. It speaks to me personally. Fight flight or freeze, right? Screwed whatever happens. The fear is everywhere. I decided abit ago to keep slogging through, fear be damned. Of course some moments I do go back and run run run. But if I’m going to be frightened out of my mind whatever happens, why not take a chance on something that so many people say is well worth the trip?

    When I realized that I was not making a permanent decision, that I could always change my mind and go back to running it made the decision much easier. Hoping for some solace in your search x

  2. Gosh, I have been standing right there with you so many times, for so many reasons, and just stayed frozen. I do frozen really well. I wish I had some gread words of wisdom here but all I can do is stand here and let you know that you are not alone. Decisions will come…

  3. Can relate so very much. Fear, my closest companion for years. I have learned that however dysfunctionla I ma that is what is considered NORMAL by myself. Anything else creates fear. Starting a journey without knowing the destination was the most frightening thing I ever have done. Slipping, re-treating, hesitating, slowly moving forward – in tears and sweat. On this journey I learned to treasure my triggers as the only direction I had. Yes, I can relate. HUgs and peace to you. Paula xx

  4. Hope,
    No quick decisions to make. You and I had THE best conversation last night. I have to look more into this “containment” since I was actually able to do it yesterday. And to really think about if I (we, all of me, all of us survivors…) really need to re-live everything to heal. Do we? I know we need to feel to heal, but I’m pretty sure re-traumatizing is not part of it. You have told me several times that you’re not a “pro”, but I beg to differ. I wouldn’t know what to do w all of us ;), if I didn’t have you as a stellar example. You inspire and challenge me. I am so grateful for you.

    Love,
    Joy

    Ps-Where is the book you were making me? Yesss.. Awesomeness.
    Pss-We are so cool, (um you and I)… that my txist wants us to write a book together (and one day we will). You think Judith Herman or Marsha Marsha Marsha will wanna do the foreword? lol

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