Goldfish

The past few weeks have been busy both internally and externally.

Internally it has been chaotic and confusing. I am not sure if this chaos is bad. Sometimes I think that maybe chaos can be a good thing because if there is chaos I cannot be exactly stuck.

I have been watching many intervention shows and I thought of something. I came to a point where I was at my “rock bottom”. However, mine was different from interventions “rock bottom” yet similar actually opposite I think.

I was hospitalized for nearly a year and a half and on so much medication to the point where even my friends could tell I was on meds.

I was at the point where I did not care about anything. Suicide did not scare me nor did self-harm. I appeared fearless but I was truly terrified.

I was so out of touch with feelings. I did not even remember what anything felt like even good things.

I am not sure if I was numb or just constantly in a dissociated state but during that time I had no idea how incredibly disconnected it was from the world. However, more importantly the disconnection from my selves.

I do not know when I chose to not stay in my life of disconnectedness.

Those many weeks of therapy sessions that were, just in complete silence. That silence was so loud and deafening.

It is not that I had nothing to say I just was tired of saying the same thing a getting the same results. I heard that is the definition of insanity doing the same thing repeatedly expecting different results. I was not insane by any means I really do not know what or who I was.

I was just existing and somehow not breathing. Like a goldfish waiting for someone to flush them down the toilet while still living.

Some days I want to go back to that. It was not easier it is just so much more familiar. Just felt typical.

Maybe I will buy a goldfish.

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7 thoughts on “Goldfish

  1. I have also been in that state where nothing matters and you don’t feel anything. I often think about that time and wonder how I got to where I am now. I am glad neither of us are in that place now. Go buy that goldfish! :)

    Thanks for sharing,
    Bee

    • Being locked up (inpatient) can be a bad experience. however, I think it kept me safe during those unsafe times. Noticing the chaos makes me feel embarrassed because I realized how bad it really was, I did some things that I shouldn’t have done. But one can not turn back time. If we could I would turn it back for everyone who was abused or hurt during childhood. Take Care.

  2. I would like to say that my times of feeling like I am doing the same thing over and over again were the times of the most progress. They were not they are not.

    I think for me it is when I am spent. I have nothing more to give and no energy to heal.

    To me it feels like I am totally alone. No one gets it they think they do and I am so tired of it. The reason it feels that way is that is the way it is.

    I do always regroup and try again. Pretty much do the same thing over and over again as that is what is needed to find our who and what I was so I can know who I am and who I want to be.

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