Directions to No Where

Life so precious but so painful & I want to savor every moment of the good days. Sometimes I wish that I did not have good days because I know that the bad days are so close.

I know that sounds pessimistic but it is true for me right now.

I have been waiting for this thing that people kept telling me was going to happen, this thing called “feeling better”. I am not sure if and when that is going to happen.

I guess some could say that right now I am fighting the process and sometimes I think they are correct. I am scared of this. I am scared of actually accepting my reality.

I am not scared of being multiple I only know myself as a multiple. That is my “normal”, I am scared of what is going to happen after whatever that is.

I am terrified of people seeing me fall. I am scared if I acknowledge why I am losing time right now I am going to fall apart.

I finally swallowed my pride and talked to my therapist about self-harm. Sometimes when I am in session, I just want to ask her to sit next to me not across from me. I want to feel close to someone and feel some kind of human connection.

I just do not want my therapist to think I am needy. I never allow contact in between session. I know what happens when therapists see me as needy and I am not willing to lose this one.

I have no idea where I am going right now with anything in my life. I just want my insiders to take over and I can go back into hibernation but I doubt it is going to work this time.


6 thoughts on “Directions to No Where

  1. I never believed it either hon. But we realized that our fears werenon-existent so we could stop dealing with then. At this point good happens quickly. I know ot will come and go. But the ups will gain strength and will be easier to find.

    I can’t imagine ever being a singleton either. It just isn’t what we are. We’ll work it out. Just try to trust the process. It does happen ;)

    • I agree, I sometimes wonder what being singleton feels like. I haven’t really been able to get a good perspective on it. I am trying to trust this process but its so uncertain. I prefer to control everything. My sister called me an extremest the other day and I thought it was very funny yet true.

  2. I agree with SplinteredOnes, the good times come and go, but the good ones gain strength. One thing I’ve learned is that no one has to know why I act a bit goofy at times – I find all kinds of reasons to cover it up. No one knows what’s going on in the inside, all they know is what they see on on the outside and my daughter told me that it’s never as severe as I believe it to be. In fact, she confessed that many times, even she does not notice my seconds of panic until I draw attention to it by freaking out about it afterwards! Many hugs to help tide you over until the good days.

    • Ever since I realized that everyone wasn’t multiple I think that people can tell I have DID. Until recently I met other multiples and I totally couldn’t tell. I told my therapist that and she was like no one can tell that you are multiple either. I didn’t believe her but I am thinking about it. It makes total sense what you daughter said, thanks for sharing that with me.

  3. I think your talking about self-harm is one major major step towards where you want to be. You have to keep telling yourself that there is a better place than where you are now, and I know it’s scary because it feels like there is no other way… Hang in there.

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