Life so precious but so painful & I want to savor every moment of the good days. Sometimes I wish that I did not have good days because I know that the bad days are so close.
I know that sounds pessimistic but it is true for me right now.
I have been waiting for this thing that people kept telling me was going to happen, this thing called “feeling better”. I am not sure if and when that is going to happen.
I guess some could say that right now I am fighting the process and sometimes I think they are correct. I am scared of this. I am scared of actually accepting my reality.
I am not scared of being multiple I only know myself as a multiple. That is my “normal”, I am scared of what is going to happen after whatever that is.
I am terrified of people seeing me fall. I am scared if I acknowledge why I am losing time right now I am going to fall apart.
I finally swallowed my pride and talked to my therapist about self-harm. Sometimes when I am in session, I just want to ask her to sit next to me not across from me. I want to feel close to someone and feel some kind of human connection.
I just do not want my therapist to think I am needy. I never allow contact in between session. I know what happens when therapists see me as needy and I am not willing to lose this one.
I have no idea where I am going right now with anything in my life. I just want my insiders to take over and I can go back into hibernation but I doubt it is going to work this time.