The Past Tense

I have been thinking about things both therapeutically and non-therapeutically.

On the therapeutic side I am exploring what exactly is DID therapy. I am trying to figure out the fast track to healing. I know that may sound unrealistic however, that is what I want right now.

I work with a therapist who knows a lot about DID which I am so thankful for.

Nevertheless I feel that 45 minutes a week isn’t really going to get me on that fast track and I am not about to wait years to wait for healing I want it right now.

Therefore, I need to find another way to have healing in the past tense.

Healing from DID may not necessarily attained by just sitting on a couch for 45 minutes every week. DID therapy may be learning how to live with the adaptation of parts, alters, personas. Learning to manger your symptoms safely and finding purpose.

I have constant internal chatter I guess because I am polyfragmented. And at times it overwhelms me and I have been exploring the idea of integration and I am scared that when I do integrate I will be lonely. I have no idea what quiet is, and the unknown is scary to me.

So, I think integration does not have to always happen in order to heal either. I think as long as a person can communicate with parts and maintain somewhat of internal calmness I think that could be healing in the past tense.

Nevertheless, I could be totally wrong about that because I do not have internal calmness or am I integrated. Those are just my grandeurious thoughts of the past few days :)


7 thoughts on “The Past Tense

  1. After years of literally being “on hold”, is it any wonder we want to be healed, like yesterday?

    I’m not a very patient person in therapy. Something that worked for both me and my therapist was to schedule double sessions on occasion to push through some tricky issue or to work on things that you’re really only getting started on when the 45 minutes are up. He also encouraged me to write letters to him between sessions, saying the breakthroughs could well happen out of session. The letters always moved me forward a bit faster than just in-person therapy did. (“Faster” being a highly relative concept.)

    As for healing, whatever works for *you*, that gives you peace and high functioning, and internal cooperation that can help you listen to silence (and realize it’s just another kind of sound)…. Anything that brings what you say you want may or may not technically be “complete and/or partial integration” but is healing all the same.



  2. You are right – there is no fast track to healing AND I no longer believe there is a “healing” (per se), but there is coping, living, and thriving. You first have to admit you are okay, alters and all. My alters have stated to my T they will never integrate, so for me, that is not an option – at least for now. I have been in therapy for 5 years. The first 3 were spent in denial and looking for a quick fix. I was in my therapist’s office at least 2-3 times a week for 2-4 hours per/session. It was hell. When I finally gave up the fight, ‘they’ realized they no longer had to fight for existence and stopped fighting me back. My T sometimes brings them into the room, if they will, for therapy of their own. Each time he does that, my life improves dramatically. We are all so different, but I believe you will find “healing” because you are looking for it. I wish you peace and love along your journey.

  3. I hear your conflicts. Usually, I try not to focus on the end game. And that helps. I know you see it as needing to get to a destination. But I don’t think it works like that. I do understand wanting to fast track healing. And if you are committed to really paying attention inside and making good decisions for yourself, then this is hard and needs support. A lot of that support, I think, comes from within… writing (journaling), drawing, making time for relaxation, etc. are all life adjustments (like you talked about in your “Un-Containment” post). But I do think they need to be done with a supportive therapist who, as you wrote before, is in it for the long haul. It’s up to you to assess whether 45 minutes a week is enough to support this kind of healing effort. It may not be.

  4. I have been in appropriate therapy for 6 years. Three of it on a regular schedule without the wasted time of dealing with an agency and their requirements. My therapist left the agency and the unhelpful requirements were dropped.

    I found that for the three years twice a week was the way to go. I find it helpful to e-mail my therapist as a way for those of us that write to journal. It is one way, she reads everything I write. We do not go over it at it is done with after I write it.

    I do not find the current professional understanding of DID to be helpful as it does not apply to me in any meaningful way. I believe that SRA has a different effect as does extreme trauma from birth. I believe that the fact that the trauma was unknown by my family has a different effect. This is not a worse than it is a different than.

    I am in psychotherapy with expressive therapy. I am not in counseling. Each of us express as best we can, we process the trauma and what it means to us. We make no effort to integrate. It just happens.

    We work with PTSD/DID not DID with PTSD. For us the DID is in a real way the result of the PTSD. As the PTSD abates we integrate.

    Our brain is asymmetrical, extremely so. We are whole brained if we are under extreme stress. I had to do a lot of work with balancing my brain. What worked for me was motion. Sitting and meditating was unhelpful, well not relaxing.

    I consider my work in therapy to be discovery. Not only discovering what happened, It includes where and when we all started to be. It includes what we want out of life and what we do not want. We never had the chance to look at that.

    The amount of work, effort and time my work of therapy takes is incredible. Physically I find it more draining than working 60 hours a week or preparing for a marathon.

    Much of the first work was unlearning what the experts that I had to deal with for the first 6 years believed to be true. My brain had to heal from the medication I took.

    We really missed that some of us do not talk, some to not write, some do not read and some do not think in words. Pretty much concentrated on those of us that did all those things.

    We decided once we had the correct Dx which was C-PTSD/DID that we were going to dedicate our life to healing until we were done. We are all glad we did. Finding those that are younger than 4 was well worth the effort.

    I did many new things the last 6 years. Kayaking, rowing shell, racquetball, pysanki egg decorating, oil painting swimming etc. It was all done in the context of healing and discovery. I did no career developing. I worked only enough to have enough money to heal. I lived in one room this winter.

    Therapy is a part of this life just like the trauma was. A part of my journey that I want to be as short as possible. Discovery will never end for me. Not knowing what happened in my life will not be. That is what healing is to me.

    I set a goal of being done in three years. I did not make it. I set the goal each year after that of April first. I have not made it yet. It is a way for me to know I am healing.

    Most of my work is outside of therapy and all of it within a strong therapeutic relationship. We spend little time on DID. We know much more about our multiplicity than any one who studies it. This is different than understanding how to be present and help someone heal.

  5. Integration completely freaks me out as well. My therapist has suggested it several times, but after the last couple years of therapy, she doesn’t think it is a good idea. She thinks that I have had my alters way too long that if we were to integrate everybody, I wouldn’t know how to function on my own. There have been very few times within the past couple of years where all my alters have been completely silent, and let me just tell you, it FREAKS ME OUT! Haha. It is a completely weird feeling… Good luck on trying to figure everything out.


  6. Have you checked out polyvore? there is a link on my blog. Lots of did thrivers working hard there.

    I love the writing letters to your T.

    Another thing and I can not stress this enough TRUST YOURSELF. This is the most important tool my Therapist has ever taught me.

    For me the fast track consists of trusting that every single piece of that puzzle that I run into is valid. I may not know what it meas for a very long time. That is JUST FINE. Just let it sit. I will know when the time is right. I will know when that piece fits into the big picture. I will also know when it might be time to throw that piece out.

    For me the fast track is important too.

  7. Thanks to everyone who commented. I really do not know what I want right now. I am just standing still as everything is passing me by. I had a session with my therapist and now I am just really confused about what I need or what I want. Thank you to all of everyones kind words as it means so much to me right now.

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