I am trying to find purpose. I am looking for my “life energy”. Moreover, what does happiness realistically look like to me.
I am searching for balance in my life at this moment. Internally and externally, I am trying to discover who I actually am not what someone else told me I “should” be.
Right now I am doing what I want because at the end of everything it has to make me want to wake up to another day.
In therapy, I recently set a boundary with myself that I will not talk about home life issues because for me it is counterproductive.
And also I asked my therapist if she is in it for the long run because I just need to know. I need to know who is going to be on my side, fighting for what I believe.
I keep “shoulding” myself because I feel like I should be able to do this by myself. I do not like letting people in even when I know that they are safe. I just want to preserve things because I feel like my past is going to contaminate it.
I do want to let people help me, but it is so convoluted that I lose sight of what I want a lot of the time.
I truthfully do not know how to do this post -trauma life thing. It is so foreign and uncontrolled. I am a creature of habit because and this life thing is not following my criteria.
I saw my five-year-old cousin the other day and he was coloring. I have seen him color and he can stay within the lines.
I asked him why he colors outside the lines and he told in his most adult language “coloring outside the lines makes the picture so much more beautiful”.
Spoken from true innocent, being & thinking differently can make things more magnificent.