I trust nearly no one because I am scared of people breaking my trust. It seems to be a common theme throughout my childhood and my present life.
When I first sought out therapy, I was very aware of the trust thing. I trusted a trauma day program I was in; they told me they were going to help me.
However that was not the case, they told me untrue things about my symptoms and gave me so much medication that I do not remember a year. And it wasn’t because of dissociation either it was because it was easier to med me up instead of having actual therapy with me.
I do have a good primary therapist that I see every week but I worked with another therapist who I am going to call “therapist 2”
I finally got myself together and let myself trust another therapist (therapist 2) to only find that she was like all the others. She talked the talk and walked the walk. However, when I had symptoms she ran away as fast as she could.
I am not in any way saying that she was a bad therapist. She was a good therapist but I spent a year with her and I thought she was safe and that she was not going to leave like everyone else.
For the first six months of working with her, I would ask her every session if I was too much for her. I would have totally understood if I was and I would have respected her decision.
However, she always reassured me that she was not going to do that.
Recently (therapist 2) ended our therapy. Nevertheless, she did not contact me or anything to tell me. There was no termination session no goodbye. Nothing.
I basically wasted a year trusting.
At first, all I could do was laugh, just laugh. During my session this week all I did was laugh at everything. It was not a “that’s funny” laughter it was “I’m reaching my breaking point and it hurts too much” laughter.
So yes, right now I’m laughing trying to find a safe place to break.