The T-Word..

I trust nearly no one because I am scared of people breaking my trust. It seems to be a common theme throughout my childhood and my present life.

When I first sought out therapy, I was very aware of the trust thing. I trusted a trauma day program I was in; they told me they were going to help me.

However that was not the case, they told me untrue things about my symptoms and gave me so much medication that I do not remember a year. And it wasn’t because of dissociation either it was because it was easier to med me up instead of having actual therapy with me.

I do have a good primary therapist that I see every week but I worked with another therapist who I am going to call “therapist 2”

I finally got myself together and let myself trust another therapist (therapist 2) to only find that she was like all the others. She talked the talk and walked the walk. However, when I had symptoms she ran away as fast as she could.

I am not in any way saying that she was a bad therapist. She was a good therapist but I spent a year with her and I thought she was safe and that she was not going to leave like everyone else.

For the first six months of working with her, I would ask her every session if I was too much for her. I would have totally understood if I was and I would have respected her decision.

However, she always reassured me that she was not going to do that.

Recently (therapist 2) ended our therapy. Nevertheless, she did not contact me or anything to tell me. There was no termination session no goodbye. Nothing.

I basically wasted a year trusting.

At first, all I could do was laugh, just laugh. During my session this week all I did was laugh at everything. It was not a “that’s funny” laughter it was “I’m reaching my breaking point and it hurts too much” laughter.

So yes, right now I’m laughing trying to find a safe place to break.

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14 thoughts on “The T-Word..

  1. Oh my! I feel really cross with your therapist (2) – how terrible for you to be told over and over you can trust and then to be abandoned like that. Awful. I’m so sorry :(

    I love the new layout by the way (feels trivial to say that, but it is absolutely beautiful, wonderfully calming, the colours are fantastic).

  2. This is so awful! What was that therapist thinking? This is a constant worry for me and my therapist, too. I (we) constantly test him and ask him if he wants us to go away. He keeps saying he is in it for the duration, but I worry anyway. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find another therapist who sticks around. ((hugs))

  3. After our lengthy conversation yest. I’m pretty sure you know how I feel about this. You (as in you guys, you et al., not you) trusted me yesterday. And I thank you for that. In the wake of fearing trust others, you amazingly trusted me. You already heard me get all emotional about it. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you and how much it means to me. I thank you for that. You are incredible.

    Love,
    Joy, et al.

  4. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

    Some therapist get in over their head with me also. Then they blame me because they are in over their head. In a way it is the story of my life. Everyone thinks they know how it is and they do not.

    I am willing to assert that most therapists are in over there head when it comes to helping people who experienced RA. They apply there understanding of effects of trauma to RA. It is different.

    That being said I think that psychoanalysis with expressive therapy done by someone that understands they can never understand can help.

    It makes me angry that they do not admit that they are in over their head.

    • Yeah, I totally agree. I had a therapist that told me that she didn’t know how to help me. I think it helped me more to hear her admit that she didn’t know what to do and helped me to feel not (um I don’t know the word) kind of like not so “abnormal”. I guess like I realized that if a clinician admitted she didn’t know then it was okay for me to be confused at that moment. I don’t know if this makes any sense?

  5. Oh dear, so so sorry. Does not help when this happens, does it? This sorta happened to us with our psychoanalyst of 12 years. She called our bluff one time too many. It was like well take it or leave it Fu kind of athing. And so sad that thishashappened to you, too.

    It’snkt your fault it’s not your fault.

    • Thanks for the kind words. Maybe the only positive thing is that it pushes me to talk about my trust issues with the therapist? No, there isn’t a positive here. It just is and that feel like being stuck. Stuck? yes thats what is it.

    • I think a level of distrust is okay. Balance is the ideal thing maybe. I don’t really know. All I know is trust scares me and abandonment paralyzes me. Honesty is so important as well…I like to know everything like all view points. At times I find all three of these things almost impossible. I guess thats why I am in therapy?

  6. I am so sorry about your T leaving like that. That’s inexusable! It’s so difficult to trust in the first place…I have huge abandonment and trust issues too. I hope you can find someone who can help you and someone you can eventually trust.
    Take care of you ~ Gracie

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