The sound goes through me like a knife, severing sinew and bone, leaving only a quivering heart and wide, wild eyes. Instantly aware of the nearness of a death, self-protection gears into high. Now, unable to feel, but retaining the senses of touch, taste and smell.
I move searching for the maker of the sound. There is an inner drive-an instinct to those of us who know-to find comfort, and protect our own.
Define “our own”. Use in this way, it is nearly inexplicable. It is a sister/brother hood of all ages known to each other or not, who have been used and abused as children. The primal grunts, heart shattering cries and clenched muscles often in fetal form, all lay bare the lives behind, and yes, before us.
The continuity of the pain that propels greater pain is unbroken and unweakened. Instead, it seems to grow in power as more perversion touches we children. The touch is- at first a burning, scream less sound that is verbalized through terror-filled eyes.
And then the overwhelming whimpers of disbelief that accompanies the games. The games are well disguised by candy, toys and drugs-goodies of all sorts.
Whimpers and crying slow to death-quiet silence. Life-the last of the sparkle in the eyes is fighting to burn on- stuttering and stammering rather than their prior joyful dance.
I wonder is that threshold the same for every child- a certain level of dehumanization at which the realization that they no longer have a self-that they are indeed only an object for use. I wonder if this a place for those near death from the “life” that they were literally forced to swallow, for so long.
Then, suddenly, when not expected, much more often than hoped for the gut-wrenched crying and screaming of another child losing self. The sound, roars crescendo with all other similarly assaulted souls.
The roar then fades to a hum to let the new one find a spot among the multitude, learning her part a purpose that is free to fill. And when next primal howls wring out, we-one-stronger-will shake heaven and hell with our unending, excruciating symphony of ignored pain.