I Sleep With The Lights On

The nighttime is so lonely. When it is all is silent with the world is when this hole feels so much deeper.

Darkness scares me. Mostly because when that happens, I find myself being truly alone.

This is the part where I am supposed to find the “hope” and find something positive in all this. But, not this time, because all this positive talk just makes the rejection and pain harder.

Evil, is a word that I am going to use to describe abuse. I have been searching for a word that could possibly describe the evil individuals who hurt people.

These evil individuals take (no better word) STEAL childhoods, lives, relationships and anything they choose. Many evil individuals even take on this false role of “family member(s)”.

The evil individuals disguised as “family member(s)” can make this abuse thing so confusing and twisty.

I am not intending to minimize abuse by calling it “this abuse thing”. I just tend to minimize things these days, and Oh and I tend to laugh at inappropriate times. I hope this means I am going crazy because then I would be going somewhere.


5 thoughts on “I Sleep With The Lights On

  1. Sometimes I feel that the people that hurt are evil. I always feel they they do evil things. Sometimes I feel that there is no evil only the absence of good.

    I was talking to my therapist about a particular abuser and my therapist said if the abuser was was here she would tell them they were wrong. I told her that was not true if they were here you would try and help them. She hung her head as she knew I was correct.

    She said I would still tell them they were wrong.

    I am happier when I can stay where there is only the absence of good. Not an easy task and perhaps not attainable. Perhaps it is all in the trying.

  2. Hello Hope!
    I was struck by your sentence, “but not this time, because all this positive talk just makes the pain and rejection even harder” and you know, I had not thought about it that way before but that is so often true. I was just talking about this yesterday, about how I used to beat myself up with the fact that I was ungrateful for simple things such as “my life, my home” and would say to myself such negitive things… but it is darn hard to just walk forward when we have been hurt so badly by people who claim to love us. It is so hard to understand, and I doubt that I will ever understand the “why” part of what they do. I admit that I am positive a lot of the time today, but it took me many many years to really feel good and to feel safe and I know that I had to really believe that it was thier sickness and not my fault, before I began to really feel better. It is a tough process…

    Thanks for this post, I am glad that I stopped by today!

    • Sometimes I read what I write and I feel and think it is so cliché. I mean the title of my blog is totally pollyanna-ish. But my friend said something to me recently in response to my blog posts lately. She said I am very “real” right now. Which is true, however I’m not sure if I always like real-ness. I seem to always want to be at a place where I am not. Its so frustrating.


  3. Hope, that is the process…. that is what keeps us striving to move forward to the next level. In a way, that is life, isn’t it? Wanting to be where we are not yet, but the good thing is that we have the desire to go there!

    p.s. I love REAL. I never made any progress with “not real”
    Hugs, Darlene

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