When I think back to my childhood, I think of hurt, pain and fear. Those feelings from childhood have seemed to bleed into my adolescents and now into my adulthood.
My sister recently asked me what having DID feels like. I really have no idea of what life is like without DID. Therefore, my answer was probably not the most accurate because I have nothing to compare myself to.
Ever since my sister moved out, she is noticing things about our family dynamics. Things that I see and experience every day are now coming in loud and clear for her. It seems so different to have someone in my immediate family on my side for once.
My sister feels very bad that she did not protect me during childhood. She wrote me a letter about how sorry she is. My mother was ranting about my therapy bills recently and my sister used a few “choice words” and told her to shut up and let me do what I need to.
I do not think my sister realized how much that meant to me. I was watching “my little monsters” last weekend and my sister came over for an hour to see the boys.
The oldest “monster” recently just came to the realization that I am just a “Big Kid”. Mostly because I have a lot of “cool toys” (video games, art stuff, electronics etc) that I allow him and his brothers to play with.
Whenever I have them for the day, I always try to do something special with them. Not usually buying material things but making special things and having good special moments with them.
It was nearly dusk so I made hot chocolate and started a fire and while they picked out a book for me to read to them.
As I began to read, snow started to fall outside. I just kept reading until they were all asleep.
As I watched them peacefully rest, I realized that this is why I need to stay alive and keep thriving. For the things in the present that are not affected by the past.
For those sweet moments, that just bring me serenity and peace.