Let’s Be Real

This past weekend was spent with my best friend. It was so awesome and what I needed. Right now the only positive thing I really have is my friendships.

However, I am not a very good friend at all.

I abandon my friends when I need them the most. I am so scared of losing positive things in my life; I tend to self-sabotage my relationships.

When my friends ask me how I am doing, I never truly tell them how I feel. I am just so scared that my pain and my hurt is going to break them. I realized I am doing this with one of my therapists also.

It is as if I am protecting others from myself. Then I am the one who is alone. I want closeness. I want my friends to hold me and hug me.

This is just so awkward because I am so used to pushing everyone away. I find myself regretting that at times.

I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I did not tell.

However, I always stop myself because that is not reality and I did what I needed to do. Even though I lost many things by telling, I gained so much more.

Right now, I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing. Nevertheless, everything I do have right now is real.

And this realness is worth everything to me.


13 thoughts on “Let’s Be Real

  1. Hi Hope,
    I know the feeling – I’ve been there. It helps to take baby steps. Work on one friendship at a time. I found that by finding someone you can trust and letting them in just a little bit, and seeing them not push you away, you can gradually learn to accept them and yourself.
    You will find yourself in time.

  2. I can relate to pushing people away… like I don’t want to inflict myself upon them when I’m in a bad place…

    It’s good that you stop yourself from going down the “what if” path, it helps noone and as hyou said you gained much from being open and telling people :)

  3. I know what you mean. I recently renewed a friendship – over pie and about 6 refills of diet Pepsi. It was wonderful. The scariest thing about it is I’m afraid she will see the real me. She hugs me, it feels great. You are lucky to have your friend.

    • Renewing friendships are good sometimes. But I know what you mean about some peoples hugs feeling good and supportive. We recently hugged our therapist. We hadn’t touched anyone but when we hugged her it felt safe.

      Take Care

  4. I also know what you mean. I have kept others “safe” from my horrors for a very long time. It’s so isolating and lonely sometimes. I agree with others, that if you let someone in, just a little, it really helps. And the more you let them in, the easier it gets. None of my friends have been frightened off by the “real” me – but my new openness (even if it’s just a crack) has enriched our friendships tenfold. It’s like the telling, I guess – you gain so much more.

    Take care.

  5. Thank you for your comment on my blog. I tend to sabotage friendships too. I guess it is a trust issue. I never let anyone get too close. I have a best friend of over 50 years who knew me as a child and we stay close. But I do not let others in.
    Being real is good. Healing. Scary at times, but still good. Hugs.

    • Thanks for commenting on my blog :) But, I have different kinds of friendships with different people so I’m just figuring out how much to let others. While still maintaining my boundaries of course. I just starting to do this “real” thing. So far it doesn’t feel good, but I think time helps some things.

      Take Care :)

  6. I vote for a reframe of, “However, I am not a very good friend at all.” You are learning to trust again. You are my best friend, and I adore you. It doesn’t mean that when you, what you refer to as “sabotage” your friendships, it doesn’t hurt–but if it hurts your friends–I can only imagine how much it hurts you.

    I know I’m a very open person, but I also attempt to “keep others safe” from my feelings, flashbacks, etc.; including my therapist(s). Being real is hard. Sometimes I am terrified that my feelings, etc. which are so powerful and scary to me are going to contaminate or break other people. I think that is some major catastrophizing on my part. I also think that there are certain people with whom I should share my stuff, and others I shouldn’t. Boundaries. And I’m not sure where those boundaries should be all the time. I’m learning, and that’s an ok place to be.

    My favorite affirmation that we have conjured up in my DBT group is, “I deserve the time and space to heal.” And we all do. But, you don’t have to go through it alone. And as you reassured me the other day, you are not alone, I promise.

    Joy et al.

    • Catastrophizing is allowed at times :) I tend to minimize things because when and if I acknowledge how big they actually are I will get so depressed. So, I minimize and hold in my feelings because thats my coping skill at the moment. And isolation just helps me to minimize and hold in everything when it gets to be too big. But, thanks for thinking of me. I end this reply with one of my favorite quotes. XoXo

      “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely” Carl Jung

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