This past weekend was spent with my best friend. It was so awesome and what I needed. Right now the only positive thing I really have is my friendships.
However, I am not a very good friend at all.
I abandon my friends when I need them the most. I am so scared of losing positive things in my life; I tend to self-sabotage my relationships.
When my friends ask me how I am doing, I never truly tell them how I feel. I am just so scared that my pain and my hurt is going to break them. I realized I am doing this with one of my therapists also.
It is as if I am protecting others from myself. Then I am the one who is alone. I want closeness. I want my friends to hold me and hug me.
This is just so awkward because I am so used to pushing everyone away. I find myself regretting that at times.
I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I did not tell.
However, I always stop myself because that is not reality and I did what I needed to do. Even though I lost many things by telling, I gained so much more.
Right now, I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing. Nevertheless, everything I do have right now is real.
And this realness is worth everything to me.