Recently someone asked me what does “Christmas” mean to me. I did not answer them because I had no idea what “Christmas” meant for me. I knew that “Christmas” and holidays in general do not feel particularly good to me.
However, in my parents’ house, there is a fireplace and it is not a “real” fireplace because you do not light anything. You just press a button to turn it on. So you do not smell the fiery goodness of hear the crackling sound of the wood. In addition, most importantly you do not feel warmth from it.
It seems as though my fireplace and holidays are very similar. In my family it is about being fake, putting on a happy face when all is tumbling down inside. Material things tend to solve everyone in my families problems. Holidays seem to represent artificial things.
However, this year I am not going to pretend everything is all pretty and nice. I do not have to physically hug anyone unless I want to. I am not going to wear those ugly sweaters and those matching outfits. I am the real deal. In addition, any holiday is not going to turn us all fake.
I am not going to ruin anyone else’s holiday by my choice to renounce conformity. I am actually going to make my holiday more enjoyable and tolerable for me. After all, it is just a day. However, it is a day that has so many feelings surrounding it.
I hope everyone who is hurting during this holiday season finds light and stays safe.