Veneer The Reindeer

Recently someone asked me what does “Christmas” mean to me. I did not answer them because I had no idea what “Christmas” meant for me. I knew that “Christmas” and holidays in general do not feel particularly good to me.

However, in my parents’ house, there is a fireplace and it is not a “real” fireplace because you do not light anything. You just press a button to turn it on. So you do not smell the fiery goodness of hear the crackling sound of the wood. In addition, most importantly you do not feel warmth from it.

It seems as though my fireplace and holidays are very similar. In my family it is about being fake, putting on a happy face when all is tumbling down inside. Material things tend to solve everyone in my families problems. Holidays seem to represent artificial things.

However, this year I am not going to pretend everything is all pretty and nice. I do not have to physically hug anyone unless I want to. I am not going to wear those ugly sweaters and those matching outfits. I am the real deal. In addition, any holiday is not going to turn us all fake.

I am not going to ruin anyone else’s holiday by my choice to renounce conformity. I am actually going to make my holiday more enjoyable and tolerable for me. After all, it is just a day. However, it is a day that has so many feelings surrounding it.

I hope everyone who is hurting during this holiday season finds light and stays safe.


6 thoughts on “Veneer The Reindeer

  1. You are so right about it all being fake. I de-conformed years ago. I wear jeans, I request to eat out and go to a movie on Christmas day if I feel like it, and I don’t have the same traditional “eats” every year (tho I’m wanting the cookies this year, just didn’t bake them).

    Hope you have a great, fun day!

  2. I too opted out, many years ago. Finding a day of enjoyment in the midst of it all has been worth it and brings it’s own peace and joy. I have found that being free of abuse and use of any kind on a holiday full of those things in my past was and is priceless.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  3. Hope,

    I lost your blog when my heat sink fell off my processor, I found it again. I just thought now it is pretty funny, my processor got over heated and my pc crashed. I know the feeling.

    So I am going to quickly answer your posts.

    I have a trauma center built in my head. I even have the land and it is owned by a mental health service. A friend of mine who was mis dx Bi-polar and died with out the correct dx donated the land. Sometimes I think it could never happen not even with all the money in the world. Then I look at how far treatment has come since I was dx 5 years ago and I have hope.

    I am sorry that you were asked to leave treatment and how it was done. I would say the reason is they were in over their head with you. If it is any help I am persona non gratis at my local hospital. They say wait for Mclean’s.

    I have been to McLean’s Hospital which is a good hospital for trauma. It is a good hospital for me as they know they do not understand what is going on with me and just know that when I am there I am working hard. I have recently understood that as close as the mental health field comes to having a Dx for what I experience when I end up in the hospital is depersonalization and derealization. Pretty much I don’t think any model is appropriate for non-family extreme repeated trauma stating at birth.

    I had to be experience depersonalization to go to that place where I did not know who I was to find out what happened to me so I could discover who I am. When I come back from that place I am changed and do not know who I am in a different way.

    The derealization is like a flashback except I intellectually know it is not real. It feels like my arm is black it looks black I know it is not.

    I always know my biographical information and what is real and not real so it is never understood that I am or just have experienced is derealazation and depersonalization

    I am too am from a family that existed in Camelot. Christmas was a time of great excitement, a time to ignore what really was, to sit around and tell only the good stories. This tradition has disintegrated into reality no doubt I will be blamed.

    I am building my own Christmas traditions they include my family and what they understand about the spirit of Christmas.

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