These “Feelings”

The past few days I have really been missing things. Missing the old life. Not that it was particularly good but I did not feel anything. I was numb to everything.

However, now I feel lots of “feelings” and I am not comfortable with them. I asked my therapist the other day “how do I go back to numb?” I have no idea when or why my “feelings” turned on. It seems like one day I woke up and I felt everything.

These “feelings” cause me to change my clothes a lot because nothing feels right against my skin. I change everything even if its 3am. It takes me hours to get ready and my room and closet are constantly trashed.

 I cannot eat food that is certain colors because of these “feelings”. Everything I drink has to come from a straw.

These “feelings” have caused me to question my sexual orientation. As, I have male parts who are attracted to females and female parts attracted to males. In addition, a few parts who are attracted to their same gender. This just makes life more complicated and confusing. I am not really sure what or who I am.

These “feelings” make water come out of my eyes. In addition, making it so difficult to touch anyone.  I really just want to hold someone’s hand right now but because of these “feelings”, I cannot.

Christmas is less than a week away. And I have these “feelings”.


6 thoughts on “These “Feelings”

  1. I find myself saying, “Wow. Me too.” I know it’s part of healing, as Kate says, but seriously… does it have to be this hard and this “icky”? Numb was so much easier. I knew how to do numb. ;)

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