This blog is so special to me for so many reasons but the one that stands out the most is that I feel not so alone. I started this blog in September during my time of hibernation from the outside world. This is my only comfort item that my insiders have not destroyed.
Survivors who read my blog as well as write their own give me hope that there can be light somewhere somehow. When I feel broken and scared I read other survivors & therapists blogs. I find it so helpful because I think this whole journey is about discovery of oneself.
However, the whole journey does not have to be done alone. There may be many times when it is okay to reach out, ask for help. Asking for help may not be such an easy task because it sometimes could feel like failure and that we cannot establish independence.
The past few weeks have been difficult. I feel as if I am at a crossroad and I do not know where to go. The only thing that has been keeping me somewhat on track is school and that is ending. The New Year is coming that means many things for me.
I have to become one year older and I do not want to. I just want to stay where I am. It is not a particularly good, safe place but I just do not know what the future is going to bring.
I will transfer to a different university and possibly have to change therapists. If I want to get out of my living situation, I will have to change therapists for financial reasons. I am just scared because she is one of the two professionals I have ever trusted. I just do not know if I can just start over nor do I want to.
I feel like I finally reached out for help and once again it is going to be taken away from me. It seems as though whenever I choose the right thing in this case safety, I am punished. I feel like a child again, so helpless and lost. I just want to take the right path and find whatever I am suppose to be looking for.