About three years ago, my life changed. I lost my family because I did what I thought was right. I lost my boyfriend of five years. I lost a job I had fun at. I lost a lot of thing that are so important to me. I would give anything to have everything back.
It seems like doing the right thing does not feel so good. It feels bad, and it hurts.
I was asked to leave a day program last year and ever since then I have felt so alone. I did not have the support of others outside of that program. I do not have support at home. At home, I have a fake image of the perfect family that I am suppose to live up to.
I just wish that all the interactions with my abusers and my family were consistent. If they were, mean all the time it would have been easier. I have all kinds of feelings that are so mixed up. I do not know who is real and who is not.
I do not understand any of this. I cannot make sense of it.
I cannot make choices even when I have them now. Even simple things like what to wear, has so much complicatedness surrounding it. My skin does not feel right. Everything that touches it feels so awkward. I constantly change my clothes, my socks, and my furniture.
I cannot explain so many things that are going on inside right now. Maybe I do not want to. Possibly, I am doing everything wrong maybe I should not be in therapy or trying to move on. Maybe I just cannot do it.
I have so many unanswered questions.
For the first time in so long I feel so sad. In therapy right now, insiders are exploring things that I never knew existed and I feel scared and lost. I feel like if I continue feeling my feelings they will take me over like before. I just do not know anything right now..