Turn Off The Feelings

About three years ago, my life changed. I lost my family because I did what I thought was right. I lost my boyfriend of five years. I lost a job I had fun at. I lost a lot of thing that are so important to me. I would give anything to have everything back.

It seems like doing the right thing does not feel so good. It feels bad, and it hurts.

I was asked to leave a day program last year and ever since then I have felt so alone. I did not have the support of others outside of that program. I do not have support at home. At home, I have a fake image of the perfect family that I am suppose to live up to.

I just wish that all the interactions with my abusers and my family were consistent. If they were, mean all the time it would have been easier. I have all kinds of feelings that are so mixed up. I do not know who is real and who is not.

I do not understand any of this. I cannot make sense of it.

I cannot make choices even when I have them now.  Even simple things like what to wear, has so much complicatedness surrounding it. My skin does not feel right. Everything that touches it feels so awkward. I constantly change my clothes, my socks, and my furniture.

I cannot explain so many things that are going on inside right now. Maybe I do not want to. Possibly, I am doing everything wrong maybe I should not be in therapy or trying to move on. Maybe I just cannot do it.

I have so many unanswered questions.

For the first time in so long I feel so sad. In therapy right now, insiders are exploring things that I never knew existed and I feel scared and lost. I feel like if I continue feeling my feelings they will take me over like before. I just do not know anything right now..


5 thoughts on “Turn Off The Feelings

  1. Hope,

    That happened to me, too. I lost everything and everyone, except my daughter. I went to bed one night loving 55 family members and my husband with all my heart. I awoke the next morning totally alone except for the love of my daughter, yet the pain of loss and betrayal cuts thru me like a razor. They keep asking for me to “come back to Christmas”, etc, but they won’t be nice, they just want their target back. The loss consumes me. I left therapy early yesterday afternoon because I couldn’t even deal with that. I’m not posting on my blog for a few weeks because I’m not inspired. Life is awful. I cried for you when I read this because it’s me, all over again. I’m soooo sorry you are experiencing this.

    • Ivory,

      Thank you so much for crying for me. I have therapy tomorrow and I just want to cancel it because I do not want to hear, experience or feel what any of my parts have to say.

      I just wish that we all could take a vacation from life, even if it was just for a day of an hour. I am really glad that you commented as it made me feel not so alone.

      If you need support and don’t want to leave a public comment you can contact me via email Hopefortrauma@gmail.com any time :)

      Stay Strong, Take Care.

  2. I was happy to find your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your real feelings. I have been through this too. I have lost much but recovered more. I love the title of your blog, “hope for trauma” because that is the truth. There is hope.
    After a long journey, I have recovered from DID. My life is full. My mother and other family isn’t in it, but that is okay because I know the truth now and I won’t live in thier abusive system. I am strong and my life is full. I have book marked your blog and will visit often.

    • Hi Darlene,

      Thanks for your kind words and visiting my blog. I think that all trauma survivors esp multiples are very unique as well as intelligent and have something very special to offer everyone. I hope to hear from you again :) Thanks for commenting.

      Take Care, Be Well.


      • Hope,
        I will tell you this. I was a truth seeker all my life, and I wanted to give up many times, but eventually I broke free and got to the other side. I finally found the truth and the truth made all the difference. I am so glad that I got the right therapy. I am so glad that I didn’t give up on myself and I am so glad that I recognized that when my abusers were “nice” it was because that is how they controlled me. (a big part of the truth I found) Just enough nice in between nasty. Maybe not every time… but way too much of the time. Hang in there and don’t give up. I never thought that I would be okay. The most I hoped for was that I would just “feel okay” but I got so much more than that. You can too. You will, just don’t give up on the hope of recovery.

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