My “Normal” Your “Crazy”..

Feeling safe is very important to me right now.

It is that warm, secure feeling. Safe can mean that one many need to control their environment. Safe can be a person or an object. Nevertheless, the definition varies individually, as it can depend on many things.

However, ones definition of safe can be just being alone and keeping everyone at an arms length. If one cannot seem to find safety anyway else except isolation it may be the only option. It can be common to also find very small spaces safe. Many individuals may sit in closets, corners, under beds and behind furniture.

Being alone to an extent may be beneficial. It may give the individual time to collect oneself and figure out ones “next move”.

Nevertheless, the true question is why might isolation feel safe?

It can be a possible feeling flashback from childhood. When a childhood is filled with abusive situations, it may be difficult to find that safe feeling.  The child’s only safe place may be just being by itself. No one will be able to hurt the child. Even the isolation of abuse may help the child to be safe.

Nevertheless, for others being alone may be a very different experience. Alone for then could mean that they actually had or have to feel feelings. Also a feeling flashback from childhood. As they put on a facade when they were around others being alone for them could mean that they feel sadness and pain. All those feelings that one may actually be trying to avoid may come out when they are alone.

It is a very interesting topic to explore for me, as I do not know which idea of safety I claim as mine. In addition, I may be able to feel both at different times and also at the same time. I think that I why I am finding it so hard to figure out what my idea of safety. To others my idea of safety seems “abnormal” but to me it is perfectly normal.

Someone told me this once and I always remember it. My “normal” may be other peoples “crazy”. I think that it is okay for that to be the case. Because my childhood was not “normal” but my reaction to trauma is said to be “normal”. My adaptation of PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. Therefore, I possibly may not be so “crazy” after all :)

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3 thoughts on “My “Normal” Your “Crazy”..

  1. Hope,
    Hey sweetie. I really liked your post. I find it very applicable to my own life (esp. since you just told me you were referencing my issue w being alone in the second scenario). I spent my entire childhood putting on the facade that everything was great! I was the “golden child” to the outside world. But, when I was home I would feel my feelings alone in my room as soon as my Dad turned the corner. Plus, I would hide. Now, I don’t put on a facade nearly as much when I’m around other people, be they friends, or the general public. If I’m happy and bubbly, chatty, and pleasant–that’s just “me”; no cover-ups. But when I’m alone in my apt., I’m left alone with myself once I disconnect from fb (finally lol), get off the phone with my best friends, etc. Then I’m alone alone–and the feelings flood and overtake me. The pain is worse than anything else I’ve ever felt from surgeries, to body memories, to the after-effects of s/h. Although I know my “feelings can’t kill me” and I repeat that to myself and try to self-soothe; I am a hot mess.

    When I am alone, I guess it reminds me of all the time alone as a teenager, isolated, with my pain, and of the lonely, unprotected feeling then and (predominantly) when I was very little. I am 27, and yet I feel so little (even when I’m not dissociating) when I’m alone. So, while alone might mean away from the abuse, it means alone with the aftereffects and feelings for me.

    What happened to us as children was completely abnormal, and what we cope with daily in our manifestation of complex-PTSD is a normal reaction to that insanity.

    Hope you have a beautiful day! Can’t wait to see you on Friday, hopefully we’ll hit up our favorite exquisite dining establishment lol.

    Love you,
    Joy

    • Joy,

      Thanks for commenting. Theres a theory that I learned about recently that I may be able to apply to this situation. Its all about what roles that we take. I’m going to write a post about it when finals are over.

      Take Care, Be Well. <3
      Hope

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