Alis volat propriis

“Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now, But it can’t rain forever”

Recently one of my few friends from my childhood took his own life. We used to be friends but we had not talked in about 7 years. As we, both attended different high schools.  I was not particularly close with him or anyone until I went to high school. 

I do not remember him being depressed in middle school. Nevertheless, he could have been, as I do not remember much of anything.

I think many people are never seen as depressed because it may manifest itself differently in some. I know that childhood depression looks different that adult depression. I think when you’re in a high school your at that awkward stage and depression can be manifested with childlike symptoms.

During high school, a few of my classmates committed suicide. I always never really thought I felt any feelings about it. However, when everyone was talking about how much their suicide must have hurt their families, I had different feeling about that.

I always was jealous of the person that took their own life, as they finally were free. They did not have to living a life of hurt, sadness and pain. They did not have to hide their depression from everyone.

I went to a catholic school from when I started school formal school in 4th grade. I never thought about suicide as a bad thing, but I never saw it as good. Suicide was always just indifferent to me.

I feel like I hide many feelings and I try to minimize my abuse. When I was twelve, I attempted suicide and I did not plan it. I was just something that I somehow already knew how to do…I really never understood it.

 My parents knew that I had tried to commit suicide but they did nothing to help me. The same thing happened in 6th grade when they were told I was self-harming. They “talked the talk” to the school counselor and pretended to care.

I think that some parents might really care about what other people think of them. In addition, they may view getting help as something ugly. I think what is ugly is that sometimes people that are really hurting never get the help that they truly disserve and need.

Anyone who feels suicidal please seek professional help. Your life is worth it.

Rest In Peace..

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2 thoughts on “Alis volat propriis

  1. I am sorry your friend is dead.

    I had a friend who killed herself in high school. She was on acid at the time. It was a small town 22 kids in my class.

    No one wanted to face that she was on acid at the time. I was the only one in the school who did not attend her funeral. I felt that for her it might be the best thing. That she had the right to make that choice. I know she had the power.

    I still do not know how I feel about suicide. I know I am not going to be told how I should feel.

    • Hey Michael,

      Thank You.

      It seems that people do not like to see anything that is not “happy” and “pretty”. But the world isnt just magic and rainbows the world is harsh and people do take their own lives because the pain is so bad.

      I do not like being told what to think but I know that people try to esp about suicide. Thanks for commenting. I hope you are doing well. Take Care.

      Hope

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