The Tale Of The Black Sheep

When I first realized I was abused as a child I did not tell anyone. I kept it secret from my family, friends and myself. I thought that maybe if I just do not acknowledge the idea that it will just go away. I tried that for while, I did everything left my house, distracted myself, self-harm and then finally suicide. This is when I ended up at a general psych unit for the first time.

I was having bad nightmares, flashbacks about it at first. I had no idea what they were, but everyone else around me knew. I worked with a MSW individually while on the unit, because I would not talk to anyone.

After a few days the therapist said, “Do you see how bad something wants to come out, just let it out, it’s ok”.

Sometimes words just cannot explain. I did not actually verbalize the words “I was abused” but I just said mangled words that somehow formed a sentence. After that, treatment team said that I should tell my parents. I trusted the therapists’ words so I said okay. The day before the meeting with my parents, I felt like I was being backed into a corner. I freaked out.

 After I woke up from my IM induced nap, I was on 1:1. I told the MSW that I could not tell them. She asked me if she could tell them without me in the room, and I said okay.  

The next time I saw my parents they acted like everything was perfect, there was no talking about anything. I was so hurt by that, they just learned I was abused and they acted, as it was never said. That is when I knew that nothing was okay.

My family says that they did not like the way in which I told my secret to them. They said I told them the “wrong way” because it did not come out of my mouth. My mother said that I could have picked a more “mature” way to tell them.

For a long time, I felt bad about having the MSW tell them. However, I do not think any way I could have chosen would have been the “right way” in their eyes. I told them the only way I could. I could not even tell myself so how could I tell anyone else.

I think that telling my secret has changed my life. Nevertheless, I know it changed my families’ life. I was no longer following the rules. I was now the black sheep.

Black is a good color on me :)

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6 thoughts on “The Tale Of The Black Sheep

  1. I can’t believe (although unfortunately I have heard stories like this too often not to) how parents can react this way to this kind of news. The first reaction surely ought to be concern and love – how dare they turn it round and blame you! I’m so sorry that you had to experience this, but I’m glad that you are able to throw the rule book out.

    • Thesamesky,

      I didn’t throw out the rule book in first. I kept thinking maybe they are just in shock and don’t know what to say. But then I realized that they did this with everything.

      When the house burned down, they acted like it didn’t happen. They bought my siblings and I material things as a way to make up for the loss.

      My silbings have the same reaction to things as they do. Thats why I feel like I’m the outsider. But I like being the outsider because that makes me unique.

      Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

    • Michael,

      Yes, I did wanted my family to have the mature/right reaction to being told their child was abused. But I think they were so disgusted by the ugliness of my secret that they did not know how this could work within their “perfect” family image. It ruined that for them.

      I really never thought of the black sheep as being the strongest one but it totally makes sense. It takes less effort to conform than it does to rebel. The black sheep is the strongest.

      Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

  2. I agree with Michael. I am also the black sheep because I’m the strongest. You know what my mother’s reaction was? She said the abuse never happened and I should be ashamed of myself. She did this in a phone conversation when I called her during the desperate panic of an emotional breakdown caused by it all. I found out years later that HE had been sitting right there next to her on the sofa when she said those awful things to me.

    I’m proud to be the black sheep. Black sheep are only black because they are stronger, smarter, and more honest.

    • Ethereal Highway,

      Thanks for commenting its good to hear from you.

      I am sorry that your mothers reaction was so hurtful, in your time of need. I like Michael and your idea of the black sheep. I really like how it sounds too.

      Everyone associates the black sheep as something bad but it may not be bad at all. The black sheep breaks the cycle and speaks the truth. I think all my fellow black sheep are courageous. I too am proud to be the black sheep.

      Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

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