When I first realized I was abused as a child I did not tell anyone. I kept it secret from my family, friends and myself. I thought that maybe if I just do not acknowledge the idea that it will just go away. I tried that for while, I did everything left my house, distracted myself, self-harm and then finally suicide. This is when I ended up at a general psych unit for the first time.
I was having bad nightmares, flashbacks about it at first. I had no idea what they were, but everyone else around me knew. I worked with a MSW individually while on the unit, because I would not talk to anyone.
After a few days the therapist said, “Do you see how bad something wants to come out, just let it out, it’s ok”.
Sometimes words just cannot explain. I did not actually verbalize the words “I was abused” but I just said mangled words that somehow formed a sentence. After that, treatment team said that I should tell my parents. I trusted the therapists’ words so I said okay. The day before the meeting with my parents, I felt like I was being backed into a corner. I freaked out.
After I woke up from my IM induced nap, I was on 1:1. I told the MSW that I could not tell them. She asked me if she could tell them without me in the room, and I said okay.
The next time I saw my parents they acted like everything was perfect, there was no talking about anything. I was so hurt by that, they just learned I was abused and they acted, as it was never said. That is when I knew that nothing was okay.
My family says that they did not like the way in which I told my secret to them. They said I told them the “wrong way” because it did not come out of my mouth. My mother said that I could have picked a more “mature” way to tell them.
For a long time, I felt bad about having the MSW tell them. However, I do not think any way I could have chosen would have been the “right way” in their eyes. I told them the only way I could. I could not even tell myself so how could I tell anyone else.
I think that telling my secret has changed my life. Nevertheless, I know it changed my families’ life. I was no longer following the rules. I was now the black sheep.
Black is a good color on me :)