“Sometimes the past is something you just cannot let go of and sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget and sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present”
This month has marked a full year of inpatient freeness for me. It has been an interesting year to say it nicely. A year of discovery, independence, and rebuilding. I had to relearn how to do things, learn to trust as well as to reach out for help.
I have developed a greater appreciation for the small things in life.
I no longer have to sign out my shampoo, ask to take a shower. Fifteen-minute checks are a thing of the past. Weekends are no longer wasted time. Sleeping in past 7am equals awesome.
To be perfectly honest, at times, I would rather be inpatient; than being in my house.
About a year and a half ago, a therapist I worked with inpatient recognized that I needed a specialized therapist. She saw a psychologist speak about DID once and called her. Two days after I was discharged, I saw the psychologist. We did not connect instantly but I could tell she was very different from all the others I tried to work with.
She did not say inpatient every time we talked about dying she actually understood well for being an only. We never liked being on medication and all the other therapists we tried to work with would never work with us unless we were medicated but not her. She supported us to become strong enough to be med-free it has been seven months now and we feel so much different, clearer.
When parts have abreactions in her office she sits on the floor with whoever as they lay on the floor, in a fetal position and cry. When it is over, she is so gentle, kind-hearted and humane. This is something that has been unfamiliar to all of us. She is the first therapist to not be scared away by us.
Our friends have been there from the very beginning and they did not run away. During the flashbacks they would hold us and tell, us it will stop go away soon. Every time we were inpatient they came to visit, or wrote letters, cards or sent fun packages. Even after we ignored them for four months, they did not leave us.
Our friend told us something we will never forget “you’ve always been a success story to me, first for surviving, and now, thriving. I have had great respect for you since the first day I met you, even before we became friends. Your life has always had purpose even in the days before you realized how much potential you have, and how phenomenal your achievements have been, already.”
I choose to hold the people I love in a special place in my heart. A place where no one can take it away. In addition, that love is mine and only mine. While I do not have many people who support me, it does not mean I have no one.