One Year Strong

“Sometimes the past is something you just cannot let go of and sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget and sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present”

This month has marked a full year of inpatient freeness for me. It has been an interesting year to say it nicely. A year of discovery, independence, and rebuilding. I had to relearn how to do things, learn to trust as well as to reach out for help.

I have developed a greater appreciation for the small things in life.

I no longer have to sign out my shampoo, ask to take a shower. Fifteen-minute checks are a thing of the past. Weekends are no longer wasted time. Sleeping in past 7am equals awesome.

To be perfectly honest, at times, I would rather be inpatient; than being in my house.

About a year and a half ago, a therapist I worked with inpatient recognized that I needed a specialized therapist. She saw a psychologist speak about DID once and called her. Two days after I was discharged, I saw the psychologist. We did not connect instantly but I could tell she was very different from all the others I tried to work with.

She did not say inpatient every time we talked about dying she actually understood well for being an only. We never liked being on medication and all the other therapists we tried to work with would never work with us unless we were medicated but not her. She supported us to become strong enough to be med-free it has been seven months now and we feel so much different, clearer.

When parts have abreactions in her office she sits on the floor with whoever as they lay on the floor, in a fetal position and cry. When it is over, she is so gentle, kind-hearted and humane. This is something that has been unfamiliar to all of us. She is the first therapist to not be scared away by us.

Our friends have been there from the very beginning and they did not run away. During the flashbacks they would hold us and tell, us it will stop go away soon. Every time we were inpatient they came to visit, or wrote letters, cards or sent fun packages. Even after we ignored them for four months, they did not leave us.

Our friend told us something we will never forget “you’ve always been a success story to me, first for surviving, and now, thriving. I have had great respect for you since the first day I met you, even before we became friends. Your life has always had purpose even in the days before you realized how much potential you have, and how phenomenal your achievements have been, already.”

I choose to hold the people I love in a special place in my heart. A place where no one can take it away. In addition, that love is mine and only mine. While I do not have many people who support me, it does not mean I have no one.


13 thoughts on “One Year Strong

  1. Wow, it sounds like you have a brilliant therapist/psychologist – which is exactly what you need and deserve. And it isn’t how many friends you have – but what kind of friends, and it sounds like you have the good kind. :)

  2. Hope et al.,
    I am sooo proud of you! Congratulations on your one year of no ip freeness!!! No more shoes w/o shoelaces, no more–you can’t have your hairspray, it contains alcohol in it, etc.

    I am so happy that you have your T. I dunno who the heck I was talking to recently, but we were talking DID/trauma tx and the like second person she mentioned was her!!! I was like, I’d looooove to go to her, but you know about the insurance issue. So, maybe when I’m a Dr. and making decent money, I will be able to see her or someone she recommends. =) I remember last year when I was like, ip told me to call her, and I was afraid to tell you bc she was yours and I know how much she meant to you–but you were willing to share lol. But, the ins. issue meant I had to go to the damned fishtank lady for 2 sessions before I realized she was def. not the best txist for me.

    I will always hold you when you need/want to be held, I will always be there for you in whatever way I can. I had to delete what I was about to just say bc it will ruin any further surprises. ;) You are a wonderful friend to me, and I love you dearly.

    Hope et al. lol

  3. Congratulations on both the being medication free and the year away from inpatient!

    I often wonder if my current therapist was my first therapist if I ever would have been on medication or been inpatient.

    My current therapist is the only one who is not afraid of what I experienced. She is not afraid of me and I am a big guy, well schooled in the art of violence. She can see I am a gentle soul.

    I am 6 or 7 years med free and this fall is the first time I have not been inpatient in the fall since I told my first therapist sometimes it feels like I am different people 15 years ago. I do not see a crash coming.

    • Michael,

      Thanks, congrats to you also for being med free and away from inpatient this fall. :)

      I also wonder the same thing too. But I know that if she was the first therapist I worked with I wouldnt have been hospitalized as much. And I definatly would not have been on alot of those meds.

      She knows how to handle me and all the insiders. Most of the other therapists I talk to about DID say that it has to be treated with meds and that is not always the case.

      I am glad that you have a therapist that you trust, and knows about DID. It’s good that you are getting what you need and deserve.

      Take Care, Be Well.


  4. Congrats on your one-year accomplishment! I’m so glad you have the T you have now. Working with someone who actually knows about dissociation makes a HUGE difference, doesn’t it?

    This would be a great post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. Thanks for the RT on that over at Twitter! Details and the submission form link are at my blog. Thanks for considering it!

    • Marj,

      Thank you :) I did submit an article to THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE about boundaries.

      It does make a BIG differnce working with a therapist who knows about dissociation. I wish everyone could work with a therapist that knows about dissociation.

      Thanks for the RT about this post on Twitter! This blog is helping me alot.

      Good to hear from you.Take Care, Be Well.


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