Co-conscience to No-conscience

The last three years have been a blur. I do not remember very many details of anything. I know that I was inpatient a lot. I know I was obsessed with coordinating everything with my socks when I was inpatient. Sometimes I see people who know me and I have no idea who they are.

I feels like three years just went by so fast and I have no idea what I did. One of my insiders burned all my journals, comfort items and my beloved stuffed animal. However, not everything was lost I used to hide journals everywhere so my family would not find them.

 I recently hardcore cleaned my room and I found a few journals from inpatient stays. I was nervous to read them because I did not want to get triggered. So, I did not actually read them I just skimmed to see who was writing in them.  I found it very weird because many insiders I do not know about wrote in the books.

Right now, I feel like I do not know a lot of insiders in my system. That is scary because where are they at now? I am not integrated, so I have no idea where they are. These parts names I have never heard before. In addition, they have a safe place inside, and I had no idea about that.

I hope that if they come out again that they do not take over my life. I do not ever say/write my abuser(s) names and these books of full of names.

Sometimes I feel like time is passing so painstakingly slow. I wonder if this is real or anything is real. I thought I was past this.

I do not like looking at the past and sometimes I feel like I live my life through my past.

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6 thoughts on “Co-conscience to No-conscience

  1. I have many journals. Every time I’ve opened one and thot I saw an entry that indicated there may be yet another “Color” present, I freaked. I took the journal straight away to my T and had him read it and then tell me if there was another alter. Every time I see a hand-written note that I don’t recognize, or a journal out, my body flushes with adrenalin and I want to run to Mr.S. I don’t think I will ever stop feeling that way, so I’m glad that I have someone I trust to reach out when I’m falling. I hope you have someone you can trust to be there for you because it will take some of the anxiety out of your life.

  2. Ivory,

    Thats a very smart idea you had to take that to your T. I get so freaked out when I see something I never wrote,bought or learned. I have two T’s that I can reach out to. Thanks for your concern :)

    I’m glad you trust your T, its so helpful because sometimes we feel like our T’s are the only ones on our side.

    Take Care, Be Well.

    Hope

  3. Wild guess. You know of the safe place now and that is a big change for some. So they are hiding and seeing how that goes.

    As best I can I try and not freak out when something new is discovered like writing and such. It is hard.

    Take care,

    Michael

    • Michael,

      I’m trying to stay chill but changes are scarey for us. It makes me realize that this is more real than I want to believe.

      I always try to think that this trauma/ DID stuff isnt’t big. But stuff like this bring me back to reality and that this is bigger than I think. I dispise that felling. I like simple,small.

      Thanks for commenting, Take Care, Be Well.

      Hope

  4. Hope,
    I know how scary it is to acknowledge our past as the truth. Additionally, it is frustrating and frightening to know that there are parts of us that are “in hiding” or we are currently unaware of. You are coping really well, and are an incessant source of support to me when I don’t know what I’m doing with my insiders. You have people to support you therapeutically, and I am always here for you as your best friend and fellow survivor. I love you very much and admire you for so many reasons, particularly your strength and perseverance. Keep on keeping on!

    Love,
    Joy

  5. Hope,
    I knew I read this the other day, but I know I’m notoriously bad @ commenting, even/esp. when I have something to say. =p

    Why am I commenting again? Bc I (this is moi, the host here) did not remember commenting AT ALL. So much for my pretty little belief that I am totally co-conscious. So, I am commenting to let you know that I am taking that in stride, as well all have to. And also to poke a lil fun at myself, because it’s either humor, or I freak out & cry (which is sometimes healthy). But I have to radically accept the fact that I’m not always “fully forward” or “co-fronting”. Sometimes, I’m tucked safely in the back somewhere. And that’s very hard for me to accept and admit. But honesty is something that was not permitted during our abuse. And honesty is one of the many things we reclaim now in our journey in recovery.

    Love,
    Joy, et al.

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