The last three years have been a blur. I do not remember very many details of anything. I know that I was inpatient a lot. I know I was obsessed with coordinating everything with my socks when I was inpatient. Sometimes I see people who know me and I have no idea who they are.
I feels like three years just went by so fast and I have no idea what I did. One of my insiders burned all my journals, comfort items and my beloved stuffed animal. However, not everything was lost I used to hide journals everywhere so my family would not find them.
I recently hardcore cleaned my room and I found a few journals from inpatient stays. I was nervous to read them because I did not want to get triggered. So, I did not actually read them I just skimmed to see who was writing in them. I found it very weird because many insiders I do not know about wrote in the books.
Right now, I feel like I do not know a lot of insiders in my system. That is scary because where are they at now? I am not integrated, so I have no idea where they are. These parts names I have never heard before. In addition, they have a safe place inside, and I had no idea about that.
I hope that if they come out again that they do not take over my life. I do not ever say/write my abuser(s) names and these books of full of names.
Sometimes I feel like time is passing so painstakingly slow. I wonder if this is real or anything is real. I thought I was past this.
I do not like looking at the past and sometimes I feel like I live my life through my past.